Categories: uncategorized
Date: 31 December 1969 23:59:59
Wasn't sure whether I wanted to go to church this morning or not. Then again I was awake and so felt I had no excuse not to go.
Felt tired and upset by the time I got there - feeling emotionally frail and physically fragile atm. All this work hassle and not being 100% well and other stuff.
Felt lost during the service - nothing seemed to hit the right spot; I didn't get that warm glow or feel any spiritual presence. All I wanted to do was scream at God; argue; lose my temper. Didn't help when nearly all the worship songs spoke about "I will trust you" - words which just stick in my throat. How can I trust when everything is going from bad to worse? I'm at the stage when I can't talk or pray to God because he or whatever is God is not there - it's just silence and emptiness.
Rhianna had wise words for me - stop doing anything religious. Told me how she felt that way after her husband died. That when she wanted to be wrapped up and comforted there was the same emptiness. Her advice - not to pick up the bible; or try and pray or go to more services but just relax and rest.
Anyway the good thing about going today was the fact I'd forgotten about homegroup lunch. As the family were going out and I'd be "self catering" I made an exhausted effort. One thing about my homegroup is we know how to cater - always more than enough. Result one well fed female who now wants to have a late afternoon nap.