Categories: uncategorized
Date: 31 December 1969 23:59:59
Struggled to church this morning.
Felt I had to show willing as I was up. Also it's hard to explain to the kids I lodge with why I'm not there if I'm up and about. The family are very fundamentalist in outlook - Sunday is God's day so we dress up and put on our best behaviour sort of thing.
After the service I ended up on "Jack watch". He's a lovely little boy full of energy and enthusiam. He's autistic - that means he lives in his own world with no social communication skills. His energy means he runs around the church throughout the service and if he has the chance runs outside as well. Unless you catch him (and I mean literally grab or rugby tackle him). We have had a strong spring put on one of the doors to prevent him being able to escape - but he's learnt it's only on one door and boy can that lad run!
Anyway, spent first part of the service asking God to show himself, and the second half getting angry and upset with him. Oh well having an argument must mean he's there somewhere in the ether. Sermon was about "ask and you will receive" etc. - very relevant as I keep asking and not receiving. Apparantly that's because God is wise and knows what's best for us. So putting that in my context my continued ill health is a result of God's wisdom and is beneficial to me. Ummm I don't buy that one little bit.
It also got on to the faith bit - trusting God. Sorry but I trust no-one, let alone someone or something who doesn't make themselves known. I've learnt that in life the only person you can rely on is yourself. If God is around he should know the reasons for that - that is if he does know everything. Trust is something you earn not demand from someone.
I feel like I'm on the outside in the cold looking in on people having a great party. I feel that if I go and try join the party it will have moved to another room and I'll still be standing on my own looking in on the fun and games. I'm getting tired of being there but I don't want to open the door to find it's all one big illusion.
So - still feeling weird