Categories: uncategorized
Date: 31 December 1969 23:59:59
As some of you may know I’ve been going through a bad time in life over the past few months, due to poor health in particular. Some may know that I’ve had a hard time of things over the past five years – once crisis after another with little time for recovery in between.
This has left me angry with God; resentful of people who appear to be living wonderful or blessed lives; unable to prayer; and frightened of the future. The events I’d been through had left me unable to trust others and needing to be in control. This was also true with God. I no longer trusted God with control of my life.
Last night I came to a point when I realised I had nothing - no job; no money; no marriage; poor health; no home of my own. It was the realisation that all I'd hoped for in life, all my dreams, were in tatters. Everything I’d ever wanted or worked towards was lost.
I’m not exactly sure what happened. I've been writing on a "P****d off with God" thread on SoF which led to having "conversations" with a few people, one of whom sent me a poem they'd written which spoke to me. It was mainly about running away from God. This rang true - maybe that's what I have been doing because I've not been able to cope with my life anymore.
I've also been having some long MSN chats with several friend over the past few months. But each time I’ve come across this barrier – being unable to trust God. I was unable to accept that he does have a plan for my life, or that he wanted to bless me, or that he would answer prayers (despite me regularly posting prayer requests I have not had the belief that they would be answered.)
Anyway it finally had to happen. Showdown. Last night I ended up having a long wrestling match with God.
I'd had a better weekend than previously and things had started to look up, but I was feeling tired. Yet I could not sleep and I was trying really hard not to take something to help with the insomnia. I ended up thinking "Is this all I'm worth?" "Is this what my life has become?" And that's when I broke down.
At first I started getting angry with God again - why? What had I done wrong? Wasn't I good enough to be given any blessings? You know the stuff – why me?
Then the thought hit me - maybe God had allowed me to be brought to a place of having virtually nothing so he could begin to do something with me. Maybe my need as a survivor to be in control of my life has had to be torn away from me.
So I've asked God to begin again. To start creating something new in my life - to make me a vessel for his use. I asked him to use my broken dreams and weave them into his creation. I asked God for the ability to trust him for all my needs - including my need for human love – especially physical contact. I've asked him to heal my physical, emotional and spiritual pain. It was finally 6am that I felt able to try and get some sleep.
I've now got to wait on God, and trusting is so hard. I'm going to need a lot of support from friends at church and elsewhere. But I no longer feel it is me picking up the pieces of my life, it's God.
I know it's going to be difficult - I don't expect instant answers. I sent a message to a friend early this morning saying I’d like some, but not really expecting any. I realize that God needs me to learn patience.
Then again – God does work in mysterious ways. Because of the events of the night/morning I ended up cancelling a shopping trip with a friend. Later on this morning the phone went. It was the hospital admissions department with a date for my pre- admission check and (all being well) the operation. After three months of waiting it has now come through – but only after I’ve been brought to a place where I’ve had to allow God control.
It's the first step...