Categories: church
Date: 10 November 2010 21:05:58
I know, I'm confusing you.
It's not any of you I'm struggling with, it's God.
I come in at the very last minute, smile as I collect the collection of books for the service, go to my preferred corner, am mostly friendly enough when spoken to, but prefer not to engage in conversation, and slide out one the organist has finished his voluntary. Preferably avoiding having to talk to anyone.
I sometimes come to evening services, or special saints days one. Not always.
Occasionally I'm chattier, but it's not often. Start asking questions, and I find a way to end the conversation, and slide out again.
It's not any of you I'm struggling with, it's God.
Some of you seem to have got the hang of it - leave me alone, and I might talk, invade my space and I don't want to know. Others of you need lessons in body language. If I've been exchanging the peace, and suddenly sit down, keeping my head down, it means I've had enough, and can cope with no more. Trying to force yourself on me will result in what you probably perceive as a rude response... there are times when I know I have been rude, and I apologise for that.
If I'm sitting there, head down, throughout, yes, it means I'm crying. No, it doesn't mean I want you trying to help. So, whoever put a hand on my shoulder, I'm sorry I shrugged it off so violently, and moved further away from the aisle to avoid a repetition of that, but I can't bear being touched by anyone other than someone I want to be touched by when I'm upset. No, it's not a psychological problem, just a fact of life. Again, lessons in body language are required.
It's not any of you I'm struggling with, it's God.
One day, I hope I'll feel safe enough to come out of this back corner. Maybe, one day, I'll let you have an insight into my world. But, right now, I don't think you'd cope with it. Nor would I cope. Because, from what I've seen over the last year, I'm well outside all your comfort zones, and I don't fit into any of the categories I see. It's a lonely place to be, but it's where I am, and I'm not adapting to fit something I can't be. I've tried that, it doesn't work.
It's not any of you I'm struggling with, it's God.
I know you'd be delighted if I would be on various rotas, or committees, go to the women's group, (not helped here by the fact I like better by far the things the men's group do... and I'm sure some of the men would prefer the women's groups activities) help with the children or youth, join the choir, help with the various events, but frankly, after a whole adult lifetime of doing all that, I've had enough.
But I will keep coming to church, because for now, it's about God. Somehow, it's where I'm meeting God in this struggle, and where I'm being honest with God.