Now most other things are settled...

Date: 06 June 2010 08:33:31

or well on the way to being settled, is it finally time to be a little more settled about church? Don't know... Need to think about it.

I have a few more Sundays filling in for absent organists at a couple of churches, but today, I'm back at "my" church. I have managed, somehow, to remain an anonymous pew-sitter there for six months. I haven't given my name to anyone, and only two people have ever approached me to ask for it, and few people will have noticed I am there! (It will be interesting to find out if I've been missed these last three or four weeks. ) I've been very last minute arriving, and almost the first to leave every Sunday and feast day I have been there.

Let me stress, this is no fault of the people or clergy there, they are not an unwelcoming church, in times gone by this is exactly the kind of church I've loved to be a part of, and I've been the one giving off "Leave me alone" vibes.

I have persisted in going partly because it is my parish church, and it's within easy walking distance. Partly because I promised various people I would continue to go to church through this very odd time, even if I couldn't bring myself to be a part of the church community. Nor did I know if I was going to be here for long, but now that's clearer, I think I do need to make my mind up about church.

There are options!

I could carry on going to church here, begin to emerge from my back corner, and see if I can find a niche there. Musically, they do not need me.

I could make it known I'm looking for a church who need a competent, but not brilliant organist/pianist. Because, I'm acutely aware organists are a rare breed, and is it right for me not to use those skills when there are churches who need an organist/pianist.

I could start somewhere new.

One of the big questions for me over the last year has been about being a musician in church. Is it just a job, is it part of worship for me, do I hide behind the keyboards? It's a huge commitment, and my priority this year has had to be my paid work, which has been emotionally draining and very tiring. I have not wanted to go to church to be even more exhausted.

I had an interesting conversation with one of my godsons recently, about whether God might be cross at me for a decision I've made, which has turned my life, in theory, in a totally different direction. I explained it might look as if I'm going against what has been God's purpose for my life, thus far, but actually I think God's more delighted I'm doing what I'm doing now, which is far more akin to what I always thought I should be doing with my life anyway!!

I think, I'll just go to church this morning and see what happens!