Categories: life, decisions, it-hurts
Date: 17 October 2009 17:55:41
that was today's activity of getting order restored to where there was none, seeing results, and feeling satisfied with the work.
Also soothing to my soul, for now, is the solitude when I return home. When I moved here, there was much angst on many people's parts (and justified angst) that I would hide myself away, and turn into a recluse. That was based on the information known at the time, that I had a two day a week part time job, and no other concrete plans. What we didn't allow for was the speed at which I would get busy with work, equivalent to a full five day working week... and it's people intensive work, demanding work, enjoyable work, that leaves me very tired at the end of the working day, and not fit for socialising afterwards. It will get easier with time, as I get used to the work that is most tiring, and as I resurrect my skills that are a bit rusty, but for now, I'm very tired.
I'm also re-learning my own boundaries. And, the solitude is helping that. For years now, my life has been lived in a pretty public arena, with many people being part of my every day life. It's been my choice to live that way, but the cost has been high. For now, I'm finding I don't want to let many people into my personal space, I'm not wanting wanting my privacy invaded without prior arrangement unless it's someone I know well, and I'm not wanting everyone's opinion on how I should be organising my life. (I could write a book on the amount of supposedly helpful advice I've had lately - 99.9% unwanted, unasked for, or previously thought of, considered and rejected.)
The biggest change of all, for now, is going to be the virtually complete step-back from church I'm about to do. I've been an active member of whatever church I've gone to for all my adult life... and it's currently too much. I just can't do it. It's the place where my old way of life and my newly emerging life are clashing so badly, and I can't be the person people knew any more because the barriers I put up to protect myself then, more than four years ago, have well and truly tumbled down, and I've no intention of resurrecting them. I feel bad if I say "no" to requests to do things, be it play or read, and the reactions I'm getting are making me crabby and defensive...
It's also very tiring being on the receiving end of all this angst on my behalf... maybe I should have gone for the moving a long way away option in the first place.