It's early days yet...

Categories: life, decisions

Date: 14 August 2009 21:02:32

I have to keep reminding myself when I'm getting frustrated.

I also have to keep reminding myself I've had a fairly unusual three weeks or so by any standards. Uprooting myself completely, and doing the uprooting over the period of a fortnight, whilst fulfilling several short-term, but long standing commitments may seem idiotic on paper, but having got through it all more or less in one piece, I am glad I did it that way. Logically, I should have done the uprooting either before or after the events, but.... yes, logic never was my strong point.

And yes, job hunting begins in earnest as of now. I am definitely available for work. But, I find myself with somewhat of a dilemma or several.

I am grateful to all those who are doing their best to be helpful, and supportive, and I know they care and are somewhat concerned. But, I need to do all this in my own time and my own pace, learning to be myself again. I need to be clear about what I want and need. It's all very like being back at secondary school, the teachers and careers advisor telling me I could do this, or that, or I should think about... and I was just befuddled and bemused, totally unable to say I don't want to do, or be what you think I should be. I've always been clearer about what I don't want than what I do want... mostly, I think, out of some irrational fear that voicing what I do want is somehow self indulgent and selfish. Yet, deep down, I know I've ignored a lot of what I want for too, too long, and it's not selfish, or self-indulgent to need to do the things I need to do.

Whilst I'm very clear I've made the right decision to change things so dramatically, I'm well aware it's not going to be simple. I am also aware now is not the time to be making any more dramatic life changing decisions. Or decisions on a whim.

Somewhere, I also need to allow myself to grieve for the past, when I need to, but not let myself get bogged down by it. What has been, has been and can't be changed or altered, it was not wrong at the time, yet somehow was never quite right either.

I do need to re-settle into a regular prayer routine.

I do need to remember the world isn't all sorted in one day!