Categories: life
Date: 12 March 2009 22:31:04
I fought, I tried all normal methods of distracting myself, but... on Tuesday it was Chocolate 3, Japes 0. I began again yesterday!
It really, really wasn't a good day, and I'm still recovering from the effects of the quiet, but fairly scary flipping out. Not just the chocolate, or the on-going seismic internal stuff going on, (that's sort of become my current normal default setting...) or even the walking out of a communion service, about half way through, because I could not bear to stay. That's not normal, but happens occasionally, (last time was about four years ago,) and I deal with it very quietly, trying to avoid all well meaning people coming to check I'm aright, and taking myself away until I'm calm.
I will be happier once I'm out of this horrid limbo state of only a few people knowing what's going on. I know I'm desperately looking forwards to a week of only me at home, which can be a week where I can stop being cool, calm and collected all the time. I really need to talk to the person I talk to most, but that can't happen right now... it will, but I don't know when yet.
There's also another round of Humungous and Official discussions coming up, and I'm not sure I have the strength or the will to cope with them.
What I'm more scared will happen is an old, poor, coping mechanism of vanishing completely will assert itself. It's been an even longer time since I did that, but at the moment, it's a seriously attractive option.