Date: 10 April 2011 12:28:14
so, no posting of late really ... have been going through some major health issues in the last little while.
Gory details so won't give any ... suffice to say that I have been convinced (as have my parents) that while there is a definite physical side to my issues there is also an ongoing spiritual deal ... but to find it?
That's been the hard part.
To convince my dad that, over the years, I have absorbed their teaching (and that of many others) on healing and the spirit and am putting things into practice? Also been quite hard, but I think I've finally gotten through to him ....
Last night I had a glimmering, after an absolutely shocking day which included me breaking down a couple of times with the husband, with the mother on the phone, and with the doctor (not his day poor man, they had a seriously full surgery for a Saturday too!).
This morning? Well, I'd hesitate to call it a revelation, more properly possibly an unveiling, or a coalescence ... things came together and it made sense ... and, probably more importantly for the cynical and over practical side of me, I couldn't talk myself out of it.
So I think I've finally got it.
I have worked through the possibilities of anger, envy, jealousy, and all the associated emotions but these have never quite hit the nail on the head. Today ... I realised that my issues all stemmed from when I left home to go to university ... and my heart broke.
Yes, it was only 2 hours away from home, and yes, for the first 6 months I came home EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND, and yes, my family visited me, and yes I phoned home (my poor parents, listening to me crying and unable to stop myself, and them unable to help) every night (I still talk to them at least once, if not twice, a day ... but it's a different kind of talking now!) ...
And then, after moving back home after uni I fought tooth and nail to stay there, regardless of the fact that God was telling me all the time, and putting the things in place for me, to move to Sydney ... my brothers, my sisters in law, my friends, all could not get through to me çause I was a country girl and I was staying at home ... until I finally just couldn't and had to move ... and packed about 7 years of life into 2 .. the things that happened once I'd moved were amazing.
But I still went home as often as I could afford to, despite having great mates in Sydney, a great church, my brothers, sisters in law, and, ultimately, 2 of my nephews and my niece (not to mention my grandparents and much of my dad's family, who had been there all along!) .... I always thought ... no, I KNEW, I'd move back home to a little house and be happy, cause I was meant to live there ...
And then I met Mr Tasmania ... and finally my puzzle piece fit slotted into place and I married and moved 1200kms away from my family, out of my state, across another, across 400km's of water, and into another state .... and one of his best mates died two days after I started working for the mates brother in law, and I hated that job so quite after a week, and my 3rd nephew (who made a not quite incognito appearance with his mum in my wedding party) was born and I wasn't there and he wouldn't get to know me like his brother and cousins did, and I couldn't get another job, and I didn't know a single soul, and who knew that living in another state was almost like living in another country?, especially when that state was so like that area you grew up in that it was at once both familiar and incredibly strange?
And now, after this morning, I can almost track the changes and ramping up in stages of my health issues which each move away from home. I have never understood my mates who could move away from their family and think nothing of it, who could move overseas and appear to prosper (I know, I'm sure there was heartbreak and homesickness, in fact I know there was, but they all seemed so capable of managing it and I didn't understand it, I just never understood how they could do it).
I don't regret for one single minute moving here, marrying Mr Tasmania, and starting my new life ... I have my beautiful man, a great family, friends, a house, a dog, a shack, a decent job (which, whilst not the job of my dreams, is paying the mortgage and not quite boring me to death). I wouldn't change it for the world.
But now I know, after this morning, that home is where the HEART is ... and my heart is with God, and my husband, and my family ... and God is always with me, my husband is mostly always with me, and my family, while they're 1200km's away, have not left me .. and I haven't left them either, even though we're not able to see each other at the drop of a hat.
So, a broken heart has led to a broken body. And now, hopefully, that I've worked this out (for an intelligent woman I'm VERY slow sometimes), and I have (as my mother said this morning) done the seemingly weird prayer of forgiveness for taking on this madness of thinking which was all my own and did not even the slightest bit come from God or my family or my friends, maybe now I can move on in the HEAD knowledge (I've always had the HEART knowledge) that God has hold of my heart and is my home and therefore I have never left home, nor will I ever leave home. Home is always with me.
I still have health issues to work on ... or maybe I don't, time will tell, and I'm all for miraculous healing, have heard AND seen too much of it not to be a believer. I'll be fully content to go back to where I was at when I was 18 ... not the best with dairy but otherwise okay .. but if full healing is the way to go I'm not going to knock it back! In the meantime I'll deal with whatever I have to deal with on a day to day basis.
I already know there's a change ....
Phew, that's enough for now ...
How on earth do people manage without God? Seriously?