Around thirty years ago

Categories: uncategorized

Date: 28 September 2006 14:25:34

I lost a classmate.

I didn't know her very well, but I remember it being announced that she was very ill, and then being told that we wouldn't see her again. I don't think the d word was even uttered, but that's probably appropriate - at its heart, death simply means that you won't see that person again, doesn't it? So we had that put into language appropriate for our, whatever it would have been, 7 or 8 year old minds. I remember being slightly puzzled at the thought that this person that I knew, who had an existence (by which I mean a real existence, i.e. in my mind), no longer existed. I wasn't particularly sad, I suppose because the sadness comes from missing someone, i.e. being unable to have their presence and yet wanting it. Because I didn't know her very well I didn't miss her much. I'm not sure - it's a long time ago, I don't understand myself now very much and I certainly I don't understand the self I was then.

Two days ago a girl in Cambuslang's school died. It seemed to follow the same pattern - an announcement that she was ill, accompanied by making get-well cards and the like, and then the announcement of her death. She would have been 5. I didn't know her, and I don't think Cambuslang knew her at all well. But I'm on the verge of tears whenever I think about her. I've gone soft since having kids - I'd never have been upset by this kind of thing before. And it's not even that I'm imagining myself into the same position as this girl's parents - I'm not imagining one of my kids dead and grieving over that. No, I'm simply very sad for the end of this girl's life. Five. This shouldn't happen. It's hard putting things into words because the clichés keep rushing in - 'what a waste' I keep finding myself saying, even though that is not remotely what I'm thinking. I'm simply, simply thinking how sad.