Nine months ago

Categories: uncategorized

Date: 12 January 2007 11:38:44

I cried.

On my own. In a museum. First the disclaimers: it was cold, damp, and I was lonely and tired. I'd spent three weeks in what felt like solitary confinement, so I wasn't exactly at my most emotionally resilient. But those mitigating factors aren't really relevant.

The museum housed a boat. A big, impressive, very old boat. I'm not big on boats, but everyone had said this was the best museum in town and, sure enough, the boat was quite impressive as boats go. So, having been impressed, I wanted to share that with someone and tell them about it, even show them if possible. Preferably someone into boats. And the problem was that I knew someone who would have loved to see it, would have been really interested, and probably pleased by how impressed I had been. But he had died eighteen months before. And that was what made me cry. It wasn't the first time, or probably the last, but I suppose there are many aspects to missing someone and when you come across a significantly new aspect it provokes some emotion. I had by that point learnt many of the ways in which I miss him, but this was a new one and it caught me out. Still, I pulled myself together, went somewhere warm (department stores are a good bet) and had a hot drink and felt much better. And tried to bear in mind how unimpressed he would have been at someone crying in public.

But now I keep thinking that this needn't've happened. I should have been able to see the boat, go "wow", and get on with life. The problem came because I wanted to share my enjoyment. And this is something I find more and more - I can only enjoy something through sharing it with others. If I hear a good band then I instantly try to think of who else would like them, if I hear a good story then I want to pass it on. I can't fully get my head round this, but it's as if I don't exist and so my enjoyment of something doesn't actually exist until it becomes someone else's enjoyment. That's mad, but it's not so unfamiliar. A lot of people I know recently had the experience of hearing some news and not really being able to believe it or take it in until it had appeared in the newspapers and on TV or the radio. My reaction was actually the opposite - it was fully real when I first heard it and then some days later when I heard it on the radio in a shop it actually became surreal and less likely. I suppose the stuff in the media is not usually connected to anyone I know, so if someone I know appears in the media then it makes them feel less like the person I know and more like the remote and unknown people who usually inhabit the media.