Categories: uncategorized
Date: 06 June 2007 12:09:30
I did something shameful.
Of course that wasn't the only occasion, not by a long way. A long, long way. And in fact I've only picked out that occasion so as to deliberately avoid others where the shame is fresher and more painful. Because much of what I've written about on this blog is highly personal in the sense that it happened to me and the only remains of the events are the traces left in my memory. I am the sole repository of much of this stuff. Some I've written down because I desperately want to remember myself, some because I particularly want to share it with others. In either case I want it to last and I don't trust my memory for that.
So what about the stuff I don't want to last? What about that feeling of shame aroused by thinking about those times when I've been the person I know I am rather than the person I'd like to be (and can sometimes kid myself that I am). I could write about them here and maintain them - keep them alive. Perhaps there'd be something positive in doing that - maybe I'd learn the lessons better that way, or maybe they could just serve as a benchmark - an example of something that I used to do but can confidently say that I don't do know. (Ah - there comes that "confidence" word again, a constant source of concern for me. And I'm learning more and more the truth of something Ee quoted to me a while ago: "Confidence. Ah yes, that's something you have when you're young, isn't it.") But wouldn't it be easier just to bury it? My memory will surely lose track of it sooner or later, so isn't it better to help that process along and to move on? Isn't it just flagellation to keep reminding myself of past failings?