Categories: uncategorized
Date: 02 September 2009 13:29:53
I was told I was wrong.
I wrote before about my problems with saying things that were wrong. I also have a problem with doing things that are wrong, but a different problem. I have an astounding combination of self-assurance and self-diffidence. If I do something, then I will have my own opinion on whether I did it well or badly, and it is very unlikely that anyone will change my assessment of it. Nevertheless, I am very susceptible to criticism. If I think I've done something badly, and get criticized for it, then although the criticism matches my own view, I will usually be very hurt by it. Not offended, since I believe just about anyone has the right to criticize me (the exception that springs to mind is when a German criticizes my English - that is something I do take offence at, for better or worse), just upset. My only understanding of this upset is the feeling that I'm criticizing myself enough already, that I don't need anybody else ganging up on me as well. But I'm sure there is something deeper than that going on.
On the other hand, if I feel I've done something well, and get criticized for it, then I will be upset, but partly because I'm puzzled, which in turn makes me question all I know of this world (if I can do this, and yet that happens, then how can I ever be sure of the consequences of anything?), and partly because I then start to question my own critical faculties.
What frustrates me here is why I can't simply accept criticism, whether I agree with it or not. If I do something that I know is wrong, and am criticized, then it should be the easiest thing in the world for me to respond to the criticism with "yes, I know", and just respond to my own internal criticism. I suppose the problem stems from me valuing other peoples' opinions so much more highly than my own. (Except, of course, on the occasions when I don't value anyone else's opinion half so much as my own!)
The problem has got to the state now where my wife hardly dares to voice criticism of me, for fear of how I'll react. And yet, because I know she won't state any criticism outright, I know read it into almost everything she says, and end up feeling criticized a thousand times more than she intends. Qué embolic jo soc.