Categories: uncategorized
Date: 06 January 2006 14:37:56
I reminded myself how unpleasant I can be.
I could blame it on external things - stresses of life leaving me weak, overwhelming temptations, powerful addictions and so on. But I'm too good at shrugging off blame and I need to accept that I did things I shouldn't have.
So, okay, I accept that. And, being me, I analyze what made it happen. What circumstances made it inevitable? Well, that's all fairly easy to answer, so I can kid myself I understand it all and so, theoretically, can avoid it happening again.
Except that, no, I know avoiding it is not so simple. Because the fact is I crave the circumstances that made it happen. I know their consequences, but I want to be in that situation again. Craving is exactly the right word - we're talking addictions, we're talking base urges that I know are dangerous and destructive but even so I'm virtually powerless to resist. Like the fisherman craves the siren, so I crave what I know will lead to trouble.
Other factors meant that I was unable to indulge that craving for a week or two. That should have been good - it meant I wasn't going to get into trouble. But it hurt - a small taste of cold turkey I suppose.
And that's the problem - the pain of not getting what I want hurts so much more than the guilt I feel after giving in and indulging myself.