Categories: uncategorized
Date: 31 January 2006 16:51:26
I discovered that I have a fear of talking.
I don't mean standing up in front of groups of people and talking - that's actually something I love doing, unlike a lot of people. No, my problem is at the other extreme - I hate talking when I'm with just a few people.
A typical example is this: rather than ask someone if they want a cup of tea or coffee, I would much prefer to just quietly make them a cup. Of course I then have to guess which they would prefer (although with some people it's pretty easy to guess). In any case, I would usually prefer to guess than to do the necessary asking.
And the thing is that I recognized that pattern of behaviour a while ago, and can see that I've done it for a long time, but it was only very recently that I noticed that what I'm trying to do is to avoid talking. I have no idea why I would want to avoid talking, and wasn't even aware that I don't like to talk until I saw that I am doing things that can only be explained that way.
As I say, I can see now that I've been that way for a long time, and I recognize that my dad is the same. He will do all sorts of silly things to avoid opening his mouth, and I've inherited the same disease.
Now that I know, I can force myself to ask people if they want a drink. But force is the right word - it takes an act of will to get the words out of my mouth instead of just running off into the kitchen.
When I think about facets of my personality like this, I find myself thinking that it is probably murder trying to live with me. And then I remind myself that there is no probably about it. I have to live with me, and it is murder.