Half a year ago

Categories: uncategorized

Date: 06 February 2006 09:25:50

I discovered a paradox of aging.

This is particularly relevant to married couples, but I think it's something that occurs in many kinds of friendships.

As I get older, I recognize and accept more and more of my failings and flaws. The things about me that really annoy those who have to put up with me. And I work on them. I try and improve, and, to my mind, I definitely do improve. There are several character traits that I used to have which were really unpleasant and which I've managed to kick. One is that if anyone ever asked me a direct question I'd always answer back with a crossword-clue type answer. Ask me whether I want tea or coffee, and I'd answer back something like "I'll have what Churchill always used to have at this time of day". Annoying as hell. Several incredibly placid and laid-back people have come close to murdering me for that habit (which, incidentally, is thoroughly congenital - my family do this to a terrible degree. That makes me wonder if I will pass it on or if, because I got out of the habit before procreating, it won't get passed on because I'm not like that now. Oh how I kid myself). Anyway, the point is that I don't do that any more. (Well, at least, not any where near as much as I used to. Trust me.) I've improved. I'm better than I used to be. I've grown up a little.

And my impression is that there are lots of things like that. Problems in my personality that I've become aware of and dealt with and become a nicer person.

Except that I know I've become harder to live with. Those around me don't find me easier than I used to be, they find me harder and more unpleasant. I've not become nicer, I've become nastier, grumpier, grouchier, and generally more difficult.

So what's going on? Are my improvements completely illusory? Or am I just getting worse at such a rate that my small improvements are completely outweighed?