Categories: uncategorized
Date: 13 December 2007 09:16:17
I found I was a clown.
Some of these reminiscences come with a distinct date stamp; such and such event happened at exactly 11:23 on this particular day in that decade. Others are rather more vague. And this one particularly so, because I suppose I'm really talking about the slow-dawning realization of my place in life. At some point it crystallized that I am a clown; my self-chosen purpose is to make people laugh, often at me, too often not.
It's not a role I'm particularly embarrassed by, and especially with small kids around it's a useful one. It helped me get over my natural fear of youngsters, and it saves me having to interact with the even-more-scary adults. But it's also been a source of trouble. Nearly all of the nastiest things I've ever said have been said with the intention of provoking a laugh. Sometimes it's worked and the saying has indeed been funny, but that was probably the worse outcome since it meant the nastiness was made more memorable and more lasting. Slur someone in a humorous way and the slur will stay much longer in people's memories. Other times the jokes did not work at all. That was worse for me in the short term, since I just ended up looking like someone who was being cruel just for the sake of it (which is probably not all that inaccurate) and so rather than getting the unpleasant message across it will have made people aware that I was not someone whose words should be trusted. That would explain why so many who have had to put up with a lot of my company no longer listen to me. It should also mean it doesn't bother me. Should. If only.