Categories: uncategorized
Date: 07 April 2008 15:52:18
I was bursting with things to say.
The problem was that none of them were words. And none of them would allow themselves to be formed into sentences or even coherent thoughts. And unfortunately it's still like that. My head is a jumble, a blur, a London-sized congestion of confused notions trying to fly around but just bumping into each other and getting nowhere. Partly as a result of the muddle and partly as a result of loads of other things that I can't seem to articulate, I'm feeling pretty down most days, but unable to ever explain why. If you're down, and someone, someone who you actually care about enough to admit how you're feeling to, asks why, then just saying you're head is muddled or you can't explain tends to be a bit inadequate. And even if I can't explain to anyone else I guess I'd like to have a clearer idea for myself why I'm feeling like this.
I guess I've developed an over-reliance on articulation. Some weeks ago I was trying to understand a bad situation I'd got myself into and spent some time on my own going over the details, even writing down a timeline of what had happened, in the expectation that it would clarify things, help me understand and, most importantly, get me out of the hole and stop me falling in it again. In the past that kind of thing has worked for me. But this time I just ended up with a page full of notes jotted down that made no connection, bits of a jigsaw that didn't go together, parts for which the sum total was considerably less than the individual components. In short it got me nowhere. So, is that another symptom or a cause? I have no idea.