Categories: uncategorized
Date: 23 May 2006 13:29:44
I began to sell my body.
It's something I try and keep secret although word inevitably gets out. With as many clients as I have it's hard to keep it hidden. So, okay, I use my body to do things I wouldn't otherwise do, and someone gives me money for this. Occasionally I tell myself that it doesn't matter because I enjoy doing what I do. That may well be self-delusion because I know I wouldn't do it if I weren't given the money for it. And, even if I'm right, is it ethical to do something I enjoy and take someone's money for it? Surely I should do it for nothing if I don't mind doing it? And surely I should do something unpleasant if I am to be rewarded financially.
Anyway, without letting such concerns get in the way, I do what I do and I get given money. It seems to be a deal that satisfies all participants. We haven't exactly made a contract beforehand, but there's an understanding about what's expected and what would be deemed unreasonable.
I've been in other situations where there wasn't such understanding. I would give what I thought was appropriate and it definitely wasn't appreciated, it definitely wasn't what was wanted. I was giving what I assumed would be wanted, but my assumptions were wrong. And I suppose that I made those assumptions because, fundamentally, I was giving what I myself wanted. And not only was what I gave inappropriate, but I was being rewarded in ways that I didn't find satisfactory at all. I wasn't being given money but other things which I didn't really want. In retrospect what I was being given was what that person wanted themself. Looking at it from the outside I can see the aweful symmetry. The two people involved were trying to meet each others' needs. To do this they each had to guess what the other one's need was and they guessed that it was the same as their own and so attempted to meet that need. But their needs were not the same, so their attempts to meet these needs utterly failed. A beautiful symmetry but a sad situation.