Categories: uncategorized
Date: 21 July 2006 12:11:28
I realized that I just don't know.
Realized might not be the right word - remembered is perhaps more appropriate. Remembered for the umpteenth time. Remembered and appreciated the significance of. I've been aware of how little I know for a long time. At school all the teachers really seemed concerned with was telling me how little I knew, how ignorant I was. The most bizarre example of this was when we were asked to write a paragraph or two describing ourselves, but anonymously. A few of these were then read out to the class to see if they could guess whose description it was. Mine was one of the first, and none of my classmates guessed it was me, which just confirmed that none of them paid any attention to me or realized that I existed (stop me if you think that you've heard this one before...). But then the teacher couldn't contain himself any more and burst out with "I know who it is, it's obvious - don't think you can hide - don't think you've fooled me - I can recognize you straight away". So yes, great, he could recognize me from my description of myself, but rather than applaud my self-awareness in writing a description exactly as he would have done it, he had to denigrate me and mock me for my inability to ... well I couldn't actually understand what. I suppose he probably couldn't either, he just felt the need to put me down. (And he was one of the nicer ones). So school was all about convincing me I couldn't do anything.
Hmmm, as I write that I appreciate now a delicious irony. You see I'm a teacher, and one of the things I view as a high priority is breaking down the conceit and arrogance of my students who think they know everything. In other words I make a determined effort to show them they they don't know everything. I try to point out how little they know. Just as my teachers did to me. What a shit I am. If I were me I'd hate myself.
Anyway, that wasn't what I was thinking about. What I was thinking about was how hard I find it having deep and meaningful conversations these days (which is probably why I resort to flippancy and insults so often - see below) - it's that whenever any deep important question comes up I simply don't feel qualified to say anything about it, because I simply don't know. What do you think about free will versus predestination? Well, er, nothing actually - I don't have a clue. And what should be done with old Mr and Mrs so-and-so who are too frail to live at home but don't want to move into a home? Well, actually, I'm not sure.
I knew I was having trouble holding proper conversations, but I hadn't figured out why. And now I know. Which is a comfort, because at least it means I know something.