Categories: uncategorized
Date: 31 July 2006 15:47:33
I stopped aiming for perfection.
I don't know when it happened, but I really noticed it two months ago. We spent half a week on a canal boat with three wonderful friends (who, amazingly, are still on speaking terms with us). As tends to happen with lots of people cooped up together, there were the occasional sparks and frictions. After one of those incidents, one of our friends was apparently concerned that we weren't having a great holiday. As it happened, the concern was absolutely unjustified - we were having a fantastic time. But what struck me was that our friends wanted us to have a great holiday. Because, at the same time, I was just hoping that we were making life slightly easier for them than it would otherwise have been. (The three of them had already spent a few days on the boat which, given that one of them was 7 months old, meant a lot of work for the other two). I suppose I would like to have helped them have a great holiday, but I wouldn't dare even articulate that (in fact, it pains me now just to write it) because it seems too ambitious. So I wanted to make life a little more bearable. That's all. I've sort of given up.
Just like I've given up all hope of being the best father in the world, or the best husband, or the best friend. It doesn't seem reasonable to hope for anything more than to be an okay father, husband, friend, etc. Maybe I give up too easily (I've certainly been told that), but it doesn't seem possible to change that. Giving up means being less hopeful about the future, doesn't it? It's an assertion of what I believe about the future. Can I change what I believe? Beliefs can certainly be changed by external circumstances (if you tell me you can levitate then I won't believe you, but if you actually do levitate in front of me, then my beliefs will change), but can we change them ourselves?