Categories: germany, postcards
Date: 30 July 2008 12:05:41
I wasn't expecting my journey home to be remarkable in any way. I had planned to fly home from Munich on the Friday to be back in time to put the finishing touches to a job I was working on with a team of two other translators and to do a bit of homework on the Verdi pieces in time for the concert on Sunday.
But the best-laid plans were thrown out of kilter by a three-hour delay in the airport which threw out all the other connections. You will recall that the outward journey by rail took 11.5 hours. The return journey by air took 14.5 hours - half of which time was spent hanging around in Munich airport.
A fellow stranded passenger was Jane. After we'd swapped stories along the lines of “the worst/longest/most boring/dramatic delay I have ever experienced in the worst/best airport I have ever been in” we had to find new forms of entertainment. We paced ourselves. After every half hour we would wander round a shop/go to the café or - great highlight - go to the loo. The options were, as you can see, rather limited and we didn't want to have a wild half hour doing everything followed by the prospect of 2.5 hours of absolutely nothing. An unexpected delight awaited us in the bookshop. A display of phrase books caught my eye. Phrase books are well known for their helpless and hopeless suggestions of useful phrases to practice on the unsuspecting foreigner, such as “My mother's butcher has a garden full of attractive gnomes” or “Our village idiot has a fine collection of rare stamps from Antarctica”. And one particular phrasebook, gentle readers, lived up to the fine reputation built up over the years in this genre. It was not long before Jane and I were clinging onto postcard stands for support, wiping tears from our eyes and gasping in an attempt to regain our normal breathing patterns. (In the retelling - below - I confess they do not seem quite as hilarious - I think our boredom levels must have been peaking at the time.)
In this final postcard of the series, I should like to quote a few examples from this oeuvre. But before I do, I should also like to give you a little more context. For this book proclaimed itself to be invaluable in the area of “small talk”. This is allegedly a sticky area for the average German. I can't say that I have ever noticed German speakers being lost for the odd casual/informal comment and can only assume that because English has a word for this form of conversation that Germans feel it is somehow something special or unusual. Perhaps it is an area for greater in-depth research.
I think our amusement stemmed not so much from the fact that the phrases could not be used - but that they would leave the conversation partner somewhat flummoxed as to a suitable reply. Rather than facilitating small talk, they were designed to kill it stone dead - not to mention half killing the speaker in having to learn such long sentences [for full comedic effect they need to be read with a foreign accent - any accent will do]. Here is a sample:
We booked our rental car on line. It was so easy and we even saved because they have special rates for on-line customers. We picked up the keys at the counter in the airport terminal....
Birds are wonderful pets - friendly and only a minimum of care. Some birds require a lot of interaction, though.
Helpful gardening books can be found in every good bookshop. They usually carry a large variety like books on vegetables, perennials and birds.
Organic gardening has become fashionable. Growing beautiful, healthy gardens in harmony with nature where birds and insects can make a new home is a major objective of many gardeners.
It is very important for children to be in the outdoors to compensate for all those hours spent in front of the TV and computer.
When choosing which scarf to buy, I look for a design that I like, then look for it in colours that compliment my complexion as well as coordinate with my wardrobe.
There are also hints on what not to say:
Could you tell me why your country's economic situation is so disastrous?
Oh, you're from Scotland - where is your kilt?
I regard keeping a dog in a small apartment in a big city as cruel.
Gardening is the most boring occupation I can imagine.
So when you're next a bit stumped for something to say - at a social gathering - or stuck in an airport - you could try some of these out. Don't forget to report back.