Categories: life
Date: 12 October 2007 00:45:34
Recap: Six weeks ago, Rotkäppchen went to see "All the Better to Eat You With" - a Kiwi dentist specialising in expensive treatments for unusual conditions.
Warning to readers of a gentle disposition: scenes of a medical nature may be described.
Earlier this week, Little Red Riding Hood returned to the dentist's lair. He numbed her gum with some pink stuff which tasted like Hubba-Bubba bubble gum (does anyone remember it? ABEYW's assistant did...and she looks to be a good 10 years younger than me...) and then injected the gum with a needle that looked long enough to knit a sock on. (I am referring to the circular sort - which when unbent would go twice round Berlin). Attractively dressed in a blue plastic bib and a pair of sunglasses, I lay back in the torture chair with the interrogation lamp boring a hole in my forehead.
ABEYW then got to work. He had explained that he would be rolling back the gum like a carpet. I've never known carpet laying or removing to require so much scraping and yanking, pulling and pushing and instructions to move my head to the right...no, the right...and...blood...gentle reader. Not just any old blood, but my very own life force. Once he and his assistant had both removed their fists and a cabinet's worth of instruments from my mouth, I opened my eyes. "Natty headgear", I quipped. ABEYW was wearing a contraption which would make aliens shrink back in horror. This too had a bright light, Cyclops-style, in the middle of his forehead with two protruding telescopic-looking eye-pieces. The rest of his face was covered by a green mask. I wondered if he'd morphed into All the Better to See You With.
I asked if he'd found what he was looking for and considered breaking into a rendition of the song by U2 - but decided against it as swallowing one of his pointy pick-like things wouldn't have done my vocal cords any good. After asking his assistant to get him "one of the green ones", he recommenced his work with a vengance. Ten minutes later, he showed me the wreckage of my mouth (good job I don't faint at the sight of blood) and demonstrated how I should clean the chasm. With a brush of a size no self-respecting chimney sweep would sniff at.
Earlier in the week, Lanark was wilting on his blog at the thought of having to clean his teeth for the rest of his life. Rejoice and be glad, O Lanark, that you have teeth to clean. I am condemned to cleaning a gaping hole for the rest of my life. I checked with the demolition gangmaster and he confirmed this was the case.
To add injury to insult, not only did this treatment hurt my wallet, it is still hurting my mouth - to the extent that I can't remember quite whether the hole is on the upper set or the lower set of teeth. They are all hurting.... and I'm not going to try jamming that brush between all of them just to find out which the legitimate one is. But I may have to. ABEYW has summoned me to see him in 3 weeks' time to check my brushing technique is up to standard. And, as he might say, that's the honest tooth.