About to make a scary decision.

Date: 09 July 2011 20:21:10

Not that it has to be made on Monday necessarily but... scary...

Basically I now have two choices in front of me: stay in the place I am knowing that it's likely to get a HECK of a lot more stressful over the coming year and, worse still, by staying there I may well be targeted to be the fall guy for a departments failings or b: leave (or at least drop my hours to the extent that I've all but left) and concentrate on freelance again, which in itself is stressful but hopefully a lot more fulfilling.

Actually, written like that it seems a fairly cut and dried choice... But... there's so many buts. We need a new roof on the house so it's a terrifying time to make such a big decision. Similarly my son begins his new schooling at a special need secondary - scary (for both of us) but will staying at work give us solidity or a basis of stress that defines all else.

The main but is the biggest. I can't imagine ever leaving a college group mid course, especially one that has had as fractious and infuriating a time as the one I'm currently working with. Without divulging too much of a staff team of five they've had two repeatedly off with long term illnesses and a lot of messing about with rooms and... well, all sorts... Myself and one other teacher have tried as hard as we could to keep things going on an even keel and for the students... I don't know. The egotistical viewpoint would be to say that my leaving would affect the course badly, and I think it would have a detrimental effect. But I'm not irreplaceable, so should not assume to be so. But if they didn't manage to appoint, or worse still the new appointee ended up causing more issues? I'd feel very bad, selfishly putting my hopes and dreams in front of the students welfare.

But then again I'd also be putting my health in front of that - this year has been very stressful and I've never felt as poorly in a range of ways.

Anyhow, this is the week of the decision I think, I just don't know, for certain or sure, what the decision will be. Troubling. Wifey has suggested that now is the time for me to branch out of my own and I would still have teaching hours at the college, just not as many as I've had this year gone by. Then again, this year gone by has had a massively detrimental effect on most aspects of me.

Tricky. I think I know what the decision will come to be, then again I am often talked round. I don't like upsetting people and students are asking me to let them know I'll be there next year.

Sigh.

Different subject: as opposed to the SAR report I should currently be doing I did this.

((being a photo I took while walking my mum around a garden show. I do prefer the original, but like the idea of a pair of eyes being the windows to another garden...))