Categories: uncategorized
Date: 18 January 2006 17:34:16
Sometime earlier last year:
Well it's nearly 5 pm and in one way I feel that I've wasted all of today on the computer doing internet searches. My eyes hurt, and I'm a bit dizzy. But can time we wasted when I've learned so much? Have been really honestly talking about family. Like having one. Having a child, I mean, actually. Putting it down in written words seems odd. Like when they remain only said between the two of us, there's no commitment. It's like only one of many possible futures. Are we serious? Why has this been the most difficult decision to come round to trying to make in our entire marriage? Is it? We've had a lot of tough decisions, but children, child, family etc... wow.
Is it children that I've always been afraid of, or is it pregnancy? (I'm beginning to think that it's the later of those two.) Is it losing myself, my time, my organisation, my friends, my freedom, the ability to go out for a drink if I want to that has always scared me so much, or is it pregnancy? I suppose there's no one to go out for a drink with anyway. My friends have children.
But anyway the pregnancy thing has been a big worry. One friend is due within days really. Another in a few months. A third is due only a bit later. And yet a fourth. Child 1 is almost 1 yr old now. So many friends. Child 2, Child 3, Child 4, Child 5, Child 6. It's normal for people to get pregnant and have babies.
Spoke to one of those four pregnant friends on the phone for hours the other night. She told me that she has complete confidence in her body to do what it needs to do to bring this baby into the world, naturally and beautifully and with no medical intervention.
Maybe I simply don't have the confidence to have a baby, to put my broken body through that. To have my broken body put me through the worst case scenarios. But I do get those ‘maybe I could do this' feelings when I see the kids. Yet one more thing I can blame on my defective body. But should I want to have a baby? Is there something ‘wrong with me' as a woman if I don't? Do I want a child? Can you have a family if you don't give birth to a baby? Can a family happen in other ways? Of course it can. Can our family happen in another way?
So we're really seriously thinking about adoption and today I've sent an e-mail enquiry to an agency.
Not actually scared about the possible reality of it. It seems a natural step. It seems like something I've always wanted. It only seems like it should seem scary. Should it be?