Questions 3: I love you

Date: 09 February 2006 16:21:32

When I was a little girl, my parents put me to bed every night, tucked me in, handed me my cuddly toy (Isis the cat, I still have her of course, but in my old age, I've swapped sleeping with her for sleeping with a hot water bottle instead), and said "good night, I love you" to which I replied "good night, I love you too."

Now all families have problems of some sort or another. Another symptom of the fallen world. So we argued a lot of the time and shouted a lot of the time, but I always knew and never doubted one thing. . . they loved me. Each time, even when I was an angst filled teenager, if any of us left the house for the day we'd say "Good bye, see you later, I love you." This may seem excessive to my more reserved British brothers and sisters, but I always knew one thing. . . they loved me.

But I'm sure that wasn't just because I was their daughter. Yes, there's an element of that, but it must have grown over the years. We got to know each other. We didn't always like each other, but we always loved each other. When did that begin?

When I meet my son/daughter, how long will it be til I know that I love them? When will I be able to tuck them into bed and say "good night sweetheart. I love you." Now I know love isn't a feeling, but something so much more than that, but meeting someone for the first time can be full of uncertainties.

from Raising Adopted Children by Lois Ruskai Melina:
"It is not possible to predict how long it will take to feel that a child is irreplaceable. It may take weeks, months, or a year or longer. The mother and father probably won't form an attachment with the child at the same rate or in the same way. A child may take less or more time than the parents to feel they are essential. A parent should not feel a need to rush the attachment process or feel like a failure if it takes more time than expected. The important thing is that the parents and child do develop an attachment, not how long it takes to do so."

My Distant Friend With Young Child (DFWYC) told me that she was surprised that the i love you feeling for her child did not happen instantaniously after giving birth. She said that the instant thing was the maternal feelings of providing and protection, and the love grew over time.

I wonder if I'll be prepared for that? I wonder how long it will take, and how do you know? What's it like to meet your child?