Paranoia

Categories: general

Date: 27 April 2009 21:15:37

Only readers who know the real me will (probably) know that 2 years ago I was diagnosed with a melanoma on my leg.  I had to have two minor operations to have three moles removed and the area around the nasty mole removed.  Thanks to my training and my awareness of such dangers, it was caught early and I have never had any major problems since.  Every 3 months I attend a dermatology clinic, where I strip off, a consultant dermatologist examines my body, tells me that everything is fine, and I go on my way.  So why, am I still so paranoid about it???

I had my 3 month check this afternoon.  Last night I was strangely quiet.  I just wanted to sit in a corner and listen to music.  I think 'thoughtful' is  the best way to describe my mood.  Physically I felt fine.  I just didn't feel like doing anything.  Except thinking.  Mr B, I could tell, was worried about me.  He ran me a bath, cooked me dinner, and when still hadn't perked up, asked me what was up.  I honestly replied that I didn't know.  Then about an hour later my musings took me to my computer - I looked up the photographs that I'd taken of my moles 2 years ago.  And thoroughly compared them to my current body.  I *think* it was ok.  It's difficult to tell with my ameteur photos.  Professional photos have been taken by both health care trusts that have seen me, but they've only been actively used once.  And my current trust don't have copies of the original ones from 2 years ago.  Which seems a bit stupid to me.

Practically everytime I'm in the shower I have a quick look at my moles.  But I have a lot, and I don't have a photographic memory.  So there's always one which I question it's previous existent and size.  I know that there is a minuscule of my previous melanoma re-occurring.  But my skin has shown that it can house these cancerous cells, if I'm out in the sun too much. So I'm just as afraid of getting a new one, as the old one coming back.  Before all of this I've never laid out on a beach in Spain and I was always been reasonably careful with suntan lotion.  Now I don't spend more than a few minutes in the sun without applying factor 50.  If I was reasonably careful before, I've got to be vigilant now.  Just as I have to keep an eye on my moles.

At the same time as knowing I've got to be really careful, I also feel very aware that I'm being paranoid.  Mr B says its perfectly understandable paranoia.  But I still feel silly for being so paranoid.  On the other side though, it scares me that often it feels down to me to notice changes in my moles, and if I don't, these cells have the power to kill.