Categories: uncategorized
Date: 05 May 2005 22:03:30
I nearly wavered, but the X eventually got put in its box. I hope I've done the right thing. The only canvasser to knock on my door throughout the campaign knocked this evening, 2 hours after I'd cast my vote. I felt sorry for him, but also inspired - he genuinely seemed to believe that his candidate (for small marginal party) could win the seat, if not this time then next. It's got me wondering about my commitment to causes, but also reminded me of my early Christian optimism.
I was thinking a bit about my faith during counselling this evening, but found myself getting all muddle-headed about it all. Every time I start to rationalise things my thoughts only go so far before they come up against a paradox. Some people might say that that's a reason why faith/belief is stupid, but I still just feel like it's a bit beyond me but is somehow ultimately attainable, rather than that it's wrong. We talked a little about whether good things are from God (and if so what about the bad stuff?), or whether stuff just happens and God is separate from the process. I kind of think "both", but couldn't come up with any rationale for that, my head's in too much of a muddle at the moment so I can't see the wood for the trees.
I also remember blogging at the start of my counselling that I thought I may have to get angry with some people as part of the process, and that that was something that doesn't really come naturally to me. Today I was confronted with that again, but again it was something that I got all muddle-headed about. On the one hand, I don't want to constantly excuse or rationalise the behaviour of others (something I have a tendency to do), but on the other hand, if I start getting angry then I feel that that will put me in the position of being a victim of people and circumstances, and I really really don't want to be a victim. It's another case of not seeing the wood for the trees - I need to get a balance between both positions rather than the dualistic either/or. So again, it's a question of how much people (or God) are responsible for circumstances, and how much just happens. I don't know. It's not making much sense at the moment.
One thing my counsellor did agree with was my feeling that the CofE is the best place for me to be at the moment - it's a good place to be when you're muddle-headed :)