Categories: uncategorized
Date: 27 May 2005 00:10:52
Today's been manic - now is pretty much the first chance I've had to stop! W*rk didn't stop from start to finish, then I had counselling, and then I went up to town to meet up for drinks with a few people who did the MW Sunday thing. Very nice, lots of fun, but a bit of a trek and now I'm buzzing, and I have to be awake again in 7 hours. I'm not ready to sleep yet!
One good thing is that I have bought a dress to wear for holly and JT's wedding. Very pleased with that. Though I will need another shopping trip for shoes, and possibly another for underwear (depending on whether or not I find anything suitable in the already-owned underwear department. The trials of buying strappy dresses!).
Feel free to ignore the rest of this if you want - it's just easier to type than write, will be a good aide-memoire kind of thing for me at some point, even though it's probably a lot of stream-of-consciousness, and I want to get it down before I forget or distort it.
Counselling was strange. I really wasn't in the mood, and mid-way through the session my counsellor just said "you're really not in the mood for this, are you?" I'm so predictable and transparent! Actually, I think it wasn't so much not being in the mood - more that now a whole heap of stuff has been unearthed, I want to stop having to look at it and having it remind me of things, so I was a lot more resistant to the process than usual. And with lots of things exposed, things that I could normally deal with by one defence mechanism or another are upsetting me quite disproportionately because I don't feel I have the defence mechanisms in place any more to regulate them and minimise the hurt (a really dumb thing about my birthday next week has upset me out of all proportion and I hate that it's upsetting me so much. I just want to deal and get on with things - even though really I guess I always used to just ignore it/put my head in the sand and get on with things before. Can't do that any more even though I want to). But I did realise a bit about some of my habitual thought patterns which I think are holding me back - in particular the fact that I'm hopeless at living in the present. I'm either dwelling on the past or living in some real or imagined hope about the future. At the minute this counselling process is forcing me to live in the present, and I'm really struggling with that - I can usually see the light at the end of the tunnel, or at least a next step, even if I'm only imagining it, but at the minute I can't even imagine it. And I think that's what's making me really fed up - my default "feeling" at the moment is a) I feel like I'm weird and b) I'm unhappy, and at the moment I just can't see any end to it. I just want to feel "normal" again and not weird - is that really so much to ask?