Categories: uncategorized
Date: 26 July 2005 22:23:28
Having a cold really isn't helping matters, as I'm still feeling really lousy and snotty and sinusy, but even without that I think I'm rapidly approaching the end of my tether. This week I finish my job. In 3 weeks I should have packed up and moved out of my lovely home (and garden). A few weeks later I leave my friends, church, city to move to the other end of the country to do something completely different and which is as scary as it is exciting. I only have a few sessions left with my counsellor (and whilst once I find my feet UpNorth I will look into starting counselling again, the thought of having to dredge through the same old things till the new counsellor gets to know me is a really draining prospect).
To be honest, I'm scared. Not so much scared about doing all the new stuff (although I'm scared about that as well!), so much as scared of always feeling this low, I've felt like this for months now deep down. Scared of having so many "endings" in such a short period. The tagline for my blog ("One day I'll get a real life and do normal stuff") has never felt so out of reach.
I wish I could feel more aware of God. I'm aware every week at church of Something way beyond me, as I recite the liturgy or watch people lining up to receive communion, it always gives me a sense of the vastness of God which always leaves me longing for more. But right now I miss the sense I used to have of something more personal, more just "me and God" - I almost don't mind if it was all made up, it was real enough at the time to be so comforting. Lots of writers have talked about the wilderness experience, I certainly relate to that at the moment, and whilst I'll hang on in there for as long as it takes, I'm feeling parched and barren and any other wilderness metaphor you care to think of, and I could just do with being drenched.
Sorry to whinge, normal service will resume shortly, but just tonight it all feels a bit overwhelming.