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Date: 18 September 2005 15:00:55

I saw a financial advisor yesterday, to look at how much it was likely I can borrow in order to buy a little flat up here. My reasonably big deposit and good credit rating are advantages, but my income is definitely not, and it's looking like even borrowing at full stretch I'm not going to be able to buy very much. Ridiculously though, even if I borrow at full stretch and buy a flat, it will cost me less in monthly payments than it would to rent a one-bedroomed place. So at the moment I'm feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place - on the one hand there's really not much in my price range to buy at all, and on the other it would be really easy to find somewhere to rent except that I wouldn't be able to afford it. I know I'm so lucky to have the profit from my house and a house-full of furniture that I don't have to buy, how many students are in that position, but at the moment I'm feeling quite anxious about it all. Having made the decision to not live in a shared student house, I realise I have to live with the consequences of that, and I'm certainly not looking for sympathy, but I've had a couple of days of quite surprising homesickness which really isn't helping.

I miss my friends.

I miss my garden and my house.

I miss my church.

I miss Brockley.

I miss my counsellor.

I even miss health visiting (but don't tell my colleagues!).

I'm sure when I get my head round some kind of routine, find my feet a bit more and feel like I have some roots here I'll be a lot less mopey about it all. And in the meantime I'm living with two lovely and utterly wonderful friends from SoF who are going out of their way to make me welcome and part of their home, for which I'm really thankful, and met up with a couple more yesterday who drove me round the whole city so I could get an idea of the various areas which was really helpful. But when I look through the property papers and find pretty much nothing suitable in my price range in any area that I'd feel vaguely safe in, and remember that last month I still owned a lovely house with a garden and close friends down the road, I do have occasional moments where I just think "what have I done?"