Categories: random
Tags: retreat, ramblings, Christianity
Date: 28 November 2005 10:32:52
One thing I've realised, not just over this weekend but probably for much of this year, is that I'm doing too much. Not only that, but I really have forgotten how to relax and, more importantly, rest. I think my problem is that I can't quite believe that the world will carry on turning without me if I slow down a bit. A number of people here including Tractor Girl and Dave K have blogged about this recently, and Dave's recent(ish) post on learning to slow down and rest as he recovered from a flare of CFS/ME was particularly pertinent for me.
Something I went over quite a bit when I was having counselling in London was the fact that I do a. tons of things and b. all of them at about 200%, and I realised that this is in large part a defense mechanism. As years go, this last one has been, despite lots of good individual things happening, pretty shitty in the scheme of things, and I think I'm burying having to think about and deal with the less good things in a flurry of activity, as well as using activity as an excuse for not trying things that I know I can't do very well (even though perhaps I should try anyway). I know some people may be surprised by this - after all what have I got to complain about, I am doing the course I've wanted to do for years, I've sold one home and bought another, I've been on a lovely holiday to Madrid, I've got good health and no dependents, I've got lots of wonderful friends who love me very much, I've so little to complain about. But another year on my own is really starting to take its toll, and although I know I can't change anything I am starting to wonder about the wisdom of some of the choices I've made over the years, as well as becoming even more aware how crippling my issues with self-esteem sometimes are.
It's quite difficult to put into words (I've deleted a couple of bits already because I couldn't say what I want to in any way that made any sense), without it sounding all me-me-me, but I think the main thing that this retreat has helped me with is to remind me to refocus - I'm not in this life alone, my faith isn't just a peripheral add-on, and it's the only thing that's going to help me make sense of everything. It's helped me to confront (or at any rate acknowledge) my huge need to "matter" to others, and to try to get a healthier balance between individual need and wider community/world issues, and to acknowledge the distortions and paradoxes and tensions between those two things. And to try to acknowledge where God is in all of this - not easy when for the longest time I've felt completely unmoved by pretty much everything I read in the Bible, for ages the only story I really relate to is Jacob wrestling with the stranger, where he says "I won't let go till you bless me". That's *exactly* how I feel - it's tough, I don't understand and sometimes I'd love to just stop, but I can't and won't let go. I feel like I'm wading through treacle, but at least I'm still wading.