Categories: church
Date: 05 November 2006 14:08:04
So today was the big day, my first time as a "server" at church. I want to put down a few immediate thoughts, although I'll reflect a bit more on it later (maybe here, maybe not).
I can't say I got off to the best start when, despite a reasonably early night, I had my sleep well and truly rudely interrupted by the door buzzer being pressed at 3.45am. I was not happy about that (I didn't answer it), and it took me forever to get back to sleep, and meant that I've had a (not bad, but still noticeable) headache all morning. By the time I got to church I was a bit less grumpy, but not entirely sure what I was doing. Fortunately I was early enough that our deacon could run me through what happens when again, so I stood a slightly better chance of not walking this way when everyone else was going that way, if you know what I mean.
We found an alb that fitted (it's the white robe with the hood, for those who aren't sure - see Dave's "Evolution of a Worshipper" cartoon, the guy on the right is wearing one (I think)). I took the deacon's word for it that I needed a green girdle (aka bit of rope to tie round the waist) - one thing I still haven't got my head round is liturgical colours. Felt rather self conscious that once the rope had been doubled and wrapped round my waist I struggled to tie it - must lose more weight (sigh). Also I felt slightly claustrophobic in the alb as it had to be zipped right up to my neck, which I didn't like (I'm OK with polo necks, but zips and buttons and whatnots I really don't like round my neck). I was slightly concerned that I'd trip over, as we had managed to find an alb that didn't stop at my shins but managed to go to the floor, but as it happened I only nearly caught my foot in it once and not badly enough for any arse over tittedness to occur.
Once the service started it was straightforward enough - processed in behind the choir, carrying the candle in its stand, remembered where to place the candle and when to bow (though, bowing is something I felt, and still feel, quite uncomfortable about. More on that later). Followed the other server's cue to reemerge to take the candle down to the lectern for the Gospel reading, and so far so good.
Once we got to the offertory though I started to feel a bit more on shaky ground, in the sense that I became aware of an ever-growing feeling of cluelessness. The other server received the elements (the main meaning of the word offertory - the money bit is an add-on which just happens to happen at the same time as the bread and wine are brought forward), and then I had to stand at the front with a great big plate waiting for the two sidesmen to bring the collection plates to the altar. I'm really not sure if I went out too soon or what - it felt like ages that I was standing there like a lemon, though maybe it's just that the sidesmen had a long walk (our church is not small!), or maybe it's just that I felt a bit exposed right at the front. A bit of confusion followed, as at some point we were meant to bow to each other, but I couldn't remember exactly where, so I looked at them and they looked at me, but we got over that and I managed to give the plates to the rector without dropping them or anything.
Next came standing at the side during the Eucharistic Prayer (that sounds ever so irreverent, but I can't think of any better description for what I had to do!), remembering to kneel down behind the clergy when I heard the cue "Angels and archangels...". It wasn't until a little while after that I realised I'd knelt on the wrong kneeler (I had a choice of 2, so I suppose whilst not inevitable it had been entirely possible that that would happen), but I don't think anybody other than the person who was supposed to be on my kneeler really noticed, and he didn't mind.
My next role, after receiving communion, was to prepare the altar rail for the rest of the congregation to come forward for communion (all this while I was standing the other side of the rail than usual). Apart from being a bit slow on the uptake this went by without any great disaster (remind me to blog sometime about our middle altar kneeler - must find an opportunity to take a picture), and then I was able to stand at the side until the last person had received at the rail. I was on the ball enough to know that I had to immediately spring into action to lift the rail so that the clergy could take the elements to the two or three people who aren't able to come up to the altar due to mobility problems, but then I suddenly realised that once I'd done that I wasn't entirely sure where I was meant to be. So more standing at the side ensued, more or less facing the other server, but he had stuff to do so I wasn't sure if I was entirely right at this point. A gentle surreptitious pointing from the rector eventually guided me back to my seat, and then the service rapidly came to a close, and the rest of it was just the same as the other server so it was easy enough to copy him as we got ready to process out of the church behind the choir at the end of the service.
It's weird, whilst actually the things I had to do were really simple, I was surprised at the levels of anxiety they caused and, to be honest, I didn't feel like I'd particularly worshipped this morning. I'm sure as I do it more (I'm on the rota about once a month, I think) it'll come more naturally, but it strikes me that, although I absolutely love Anglo-Catholic worship with the visuals and ceremony and all the rest of it, I've never felt at all comfortable with joining in with it myself. Maybe it's my evangelical/free church background, but I still can't bring myself to genuflect or bow (I nod my head about 1mm, and I do cross myself, but that's about it), even though I don't have any problem at all with other people doing that right next to me. I don't know why that is, I'll have to think about that some more. I'll stick with serving for now - let's face it, at once a month I'm only going to have to do it 5 more times before I leave to go on my fieldwork anyway so it's hardly onerous. I also think that it's good to be challenging my comfort zones. Left to my own devices I'd be a lot happier just sitting in the pew minding my own business and not getting too involved. This forces me to make more of an effort, be more exposed in church (in a good way!), challenge my preferences and prejudices, which can't be a bad thing.
I'm glad I'll just be pew-fodder for the next few weeks though!