Categories: diet
Date: 29 September 2008 12:38:11
After Tractor Girl's post I thought I might do a general foodie post, musing on my own thoughts and issues and idiosyncrasies. I might still do that, but before that I'm going to have to do a post musing on weight. This may be a bit meaningless for people who aren't contacts of mine on facebook, but anyway - Nanny Ogg (formerly of this parish) put up some photos on facebook yesterday, including some of her birthday party 5 years ago. This was around the time I was last thin(ish - around 11 stone and a UK size 12 so hardly a waif, but quite a bit less than I weigh now). When I saw one of the pictures yesterday I was really shocked - I look gaunt, my cheeks are hollow, my neck looks like a stalk on my shoulders, my head looks too big for my body, I've got boobs like two poached eggs, and to be honest I look like Michael Jackson on heroin. I do realise that pictures taken in the dark when you're dancing aren't likely to be the world's most flattering or representative, but this has really shocked me. I was aiming (not currently very successfully, it has to be said!) to return to 11 stone, but now I've seen that picture I'm not so sure any more.
I do need to tone up - I've seen a number of wedding photos where there are rolls of fat on my back bulging out of the back of my dress, and I'm quite upset about those! HD loves getting out and about walking, but apart from relatively gentle walks we do very little of that together because the tiniest hill makes me out of breath. I need to think about my heart (my pulse rate even at rest is often too fast) and my knees (one of which is a little arthritic, and supporting all this blubber can't be doing it any good). But oh dear God I don't want to look like Michael Jackson, and I don't want to lose my curves. Last week I put off rejoining the uni gym, but I think this will give me the boost I need - to concentrate on fitness, health and toning, rather than losing pounds and pounds of weight. Hopefully it will also change how I think about food - eating healthily and sensibly and not to excess, but with health and tone in mind rather than trying to be something I'm just not.
I'm also shocked at how much I bought into the thin imagery that we're assaulted with in advertising and the media and the like. I look at so-called celebrities with their ribs sticking out and moan that they're too thin, and I honestly do think that bigger girls can be, and often are, beautiful (and totally mean it when I tell them) - yet I really struggle to accept that for myself.
This is absolutely NOT a call for compliments (though thank you anyone who says nice things :) ). I'm just shocked enough that I need to witter and reexamine my values and my views of myself.