Categories: uncategorized
Date: 30 June 2004 18:27:43
The other evening at home group, in the middle of the Bible study, it suddenly occurred to me that I'm really not sure what I believe any more on lots of issues. A few years back, when I was in a very charismatic church, I started to think "hang on a minute" to a lot of what I was hearing and seeing there, and that started a process of looking closely at what I believe, and why I believed it. Did I believe something because it was right, because "the Bible says so", or because church told me that was what was right and what the Bible said? That process eventually ended up in me leaving that particular church, and rethinking not only doctrine but also how I live out my faith in everyday reality. So I'm now at the point where, having had a faith with lots of "hangings-on", the only things I'm sure of now are that God loves me, that Jesus died for my sins, that God's grace is freely available to me, and that I need to love God with all my heart, mind, soul and strength and love my neighbour as myself. All the "extras" - for example, whether evil spirits are real or symbolic, or issues about the "gifts of the spirit", or teachings on sexuality and conduct, etc etc - I laid aside while I got down to those bare bones of faith.
And then during the Bible study (we're looking at Revelation at the moment), in a discussion on "the spiritual realm" (for want of a better term), I suddenly thought that I'm really really vague about what I believe about that. I'm really not sure whether rejecting my former church scene will lead to me rejecting doctrines which it would be helpful to hang on to. Not sure that makes sense - I don't want to throw out the baby with the bathwater, but I'm not sure always which bits are "baby" and which bits are "bathwater". What also concerns me a bit is that I'll end up with a faith which regards Jesus as "a good man" or "a wise teacher" but nothing more. I know, and believe with all my heart, that he was more than that, that he was divine, but this process of stripping away all the "extras" of faith has left me feeling a bit raw sometimes. It's kind of paradoxical - sometimes I feel like my faith is deeper and stronger than it's ever been before, other times I despair at how shallow it all feels.