Categories: uncategorized
Date: 05 September 2004 15:51:56
Phew, the shifts are over. Yesterday I was feeling really really insecure about the whole nursing thing - because it had been so long I felt like I knew nothing and to be honest I felt really deskilled. Today was better though, I got into it a bit more, though we had a terribly cantankerous patient and both the nurse I was working with and I had to go for quick "mental health moments" at various points whilst caring for her (i.e. leave and let someone else take the crap before she really got to us and we said something really unprofessional!). The nurses were all lovely and very gentle with me, and I feel a bit more confident now about it. And although I thought I was going to have a false teeth moment earlier today, I managed to worm my way out of it thankfully, so my stomach contents remained in my stomach, which is always a good thing. I was lucky it wasn't too busy, which meant I had time to get my head round where things were and what I was meant to be doing. It may not be so easy next time!
One thing which was really food for thought - from a personal and a nursing point of view - was caring for a man in his 80s who is well and truly dying, and in particular, the emotional care of his wife who is facing the prospect of being alone after 59 years of marriage. I can be really blase about the thought of dating people and relationships and all that, but the thought of living through the good and bad times with one person over that amount of time is pretty mind-boggling. It was such a privilege to be able to do little, seemingly unimportant things that meant so much to her - like giving him a shave and combing his hair so he looked smart, or positioning his hand so that she could hold it. Those are the kind of moments that I love about nursing, and what I hated about hospital nursing (cos there was never time to do little touches like that). But watching her grief made me aware once again of the risk of relationships and of loving - however great and long-lasting it is, it is always going to come to an end. The joys of loving in a good relationship like that of course far outweigh the pains, and I'm sure the memories of the good times will carry her through bereavement and beyond, but such depths of grief at the end - that's so hard. The risks of loving are still risks I'm prepared to take, but those depths of both joy and grief are just so difficult to comprehend and get my head round.
Good news on the health front: today the cellulitis feels better, so I think the antibiotics are kicking in at last. Yesterday I was in quite a lot of pain (not helped by working in the morning), the swelling had spread over most of my foot and was heading up my leg, and the itching was unbearable. Today it's not spread any more, is hardly itching and it doesn't hurt at all. So that's good.
I spent the evening with 3 girlfriends at a pub down by the river, which was lovely, although I had to watch them with their humungous glasses of wine while I sipped my mineral water (as I'm on antibiotics I'm trying not to drink, other than finishing off the wine I'd already opened, so I volunteered to drive and not drink). As they got progressively merrier and louder I got progressively more embarrassed - particularly as all sorts of tales of drunkenness at various Lambeth Palace functions emerged. That CofE is such a bad influence!
I've just done my last blackberry picking for the year. There are more still there but they're starting to turn squishy. But I've still managed to get enough for a shedload more of flapjacks, so that's good. Had a chat with my neighbour whilst I was out there, we were whingeing about the workmen who keep parking their vans in our residents only bay and dumping their rubbish in the car park, and she was telling me about finding three lads outside the house dealing drugs the other day. I also recently found a couple of used condoms in the car park by my car - mmm mmm this is such a lovely area to live.