Categories: uncategorized
Date: 07 October 2004 19:05:19
This is the kind of rambling that I usually save for my "For my eyes only" written journal, but as my writing hand still aches from writing the dissertation last week, and my supposedly spiritual journal is currently on a par with Bridget Jones' Diary, I'll ramble on here instead. At least I can edit it so it will read better - if I write it will just end up as pages of stream of consciousness wibblings.
Anyway - have been thinking lots recently about work and future plans etc, as you've probably noticed - and although studying and doing the PhD is what I really really want to do, think I would be good at and know it would be a million times more stimulating than what I'm doing at the moment, I do wonder sometimes if there's also an element of running away involved too. I think (to borrow an analogy I liked from Ian's blog recently) it's mostly about running towards the future rather than away from the present, but coming back to work this week and dealing with peoples' lives and thinking about issues such as child protection, protecting vulnerable adults, depression, illness, etc etc etc, I can't help thinking sometimes what a relief it would be to get away from it all and sit in an ivory tower for a bit. I know doing a PhD would be a useful addition to the world's knowledge, and in my subject it could potentially be a tool for policy makers that could positively impact on peoples' lives, but there would be much less of the emotionally draining involvement in those lives and to be honest that would be a real luxury. I suspect this is quite a common dilemma for people in caring professions, whether nursing, teaching, youth work, whatever whatever - when it goes well there's nothing more rewarding, and I get such a kick still when I see something positive happen which was a direct result of my intervention, and I would miss that a lot. But a lot of the job does take an emotional toll, and there are times when I really could quite happily walk away from it.
I'm not really sure where I'm going with all this. It's like any relationship I guess - can't live with it, can't live without it. I don't want to stop giving. I desperately don't want to live a "comfortable", easy life. And if I do the PhD I'm sure I'll carry on doing some nursing and health visiting as I'd miss the people contact. I guess I just wish I could stop feeling like I'm running on empty the whole time. Thankfully a lot of people I'm close to also work in people-related fields - teaching, church work, etc etc - so they either know what to say or when they nod I know they're nodding knowingly, which helps.
Anyway - I feel like I moan quite a lot in this blog, so will try to cut it down a bit. I've sorted out with my colleague that I'll work over Christmas but have the New Year week off, so that's something to look forward to - perhaps I should plan a holiday somewhere. I was going to start counting the days, but 85 still sounds like a lot, so maybe I'll start next month instead :)