Categories: uncategorized
Date: 08 November 2004 22:21:24
Today has been pretty gruelling - first day of Agenda for Change training up in town, which necessitates me getting a commuter train (aargh) into town every morning, plus Russian this evening (teacher told me how tired I looked. If only she knew - I could have slept the whole time, it was *such* an effort). What was wonderful today though was that the training is being done in the seminar room at Southwark Cathedral, which is a wonderful calm place, and so once we finished I slipped off into the chapel to pray, as I am still feeling a bit all over the place after last week. Apart from a tourist walking into the chapel (despite the signs saying that it was reserved for private prayer) to take a photo with VERY bright flash (it was bright even though I had my eyes shut!) - grrrrr!!! - I'm so glad I did, and I'm thinking about trying to get there early the other 3 mornings and going to Morning Prayer and Morning Eucharist. I really need to start the day more positively. Cheerful people on the radio is one thing, and I find it way too easy to drift back off to sleep which is why I generally go for more light-hearted stuff for the radio alarm, but at the moment I feel like I need a more profound start to the day, so that I'm grounded in truth and reality right from the start.
Anyway, back to the chapel. Apart from Mrs Clueless Tourist, it was an oasis of calm and comfort being in there. I'm really not into the whole "woe is me" thing, that's not really my personality, nor do I really do the "why me?" thing either, but I did want to take time to tell God how I felt and just ask him to be near and help me through it all, and also to try to take my eyes off myself. I picked up a psalter and came across two psalms which I love and which I always read together - Psalm 13 which I always find comforting when I'm grieving as it gives me permission to feel crap but doesn't let me wallow in it and points to God's all-encompassing goodness even when I don't understand what's happening, followed by Psalm 16 which moves on to thanksgiving for his presence in my life, trust and joy that he is always with me, and the sense that whatever is happening isn't happening in a vacuum.
Psalm 13
How long will you forget me, O Lord: for ever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long shall I have anguish in my soul
and grief in my heart, day after day?
How long shall my enemy triumph over me?
Look upon me and answer, O Lord my God;
lighten my eyes, lest I sleep in death;
Lest my enemy say, 'I have prevailed against him,'
and my foes rejoice that I have fallen.
But I put my trust in your steadfast love;
my heart will rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
for he has dealt so bountifully with me.
Psalm 16
Preserve me, O God, for in you have I taken refuge;
I have said to the Lord, 'You are my lord,
all my good depends on you.'
All my delight is upon the godly that are in the land,
upon those who are noble in heart.
Though the idols are legion that many run after,
their drink offerings of blood I will not offer,
neither make mention of their names upon my lips.
The Lord himself is my portion and my cup;
in your hands alone is my fortune.
My share has fallen in a fair land;
indeed, I have a goodly heritage.
I will bless the Lord who has given me counsel,
and in the night watches he instructs my heart.
I have set the Lord always before me;
he is at my right hand; I shall not fall.
Wherefore my heart is glad and my spirit rejoices;
my flesh also shall rest secure.
For you will not abandon my soul to Death,
nor suffer your faithful one to see the Pit.
You will show me the path of life;
in your presence is the fullness of joy
and in your right hand are pleasures for evermore.