Categories: uncategorized
Date: 14 November 2004 14:05:16
You know those church services where tons of things that are said or done seem to be spoken directly to *you*? I had one of those services this morning - am kind of reeling a little. Firstly (as is happening to me a lot recently whenever I'm in a formal church service) I was in tears just at being in God's presence, and at the end of the praise songs, just before we started the Act of Remembrance, we had a time of silence where we were encouraged to bring our personal prayers and pleas before God. The vicar talked about bringing maybe only one word of what we need to God - maybe Peace, maybe Wisdom, maybe just Why? I just thought "All 3" and lo and behold, *Niagara Falls*. And then the Epistle reading: Romans 5:1-5, which brought me right into God's presence, even though every time I read it I want to argue with God! "...we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us..." I don't have any problem with the first bit, it's the "hope does not disappoint" which always jars - I think of Proverbs 13:12: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." That to me is talking about disappointment, "hope deferred" seems to sum it up, and as that's so what I'm feeling at the moment that reading in Romans felt almost like God was giving me permission to bring my complaints and questions and hurts and fears to him (I often don't do that, as I feel like I'm kind of bothering him with trivia, if you know what I mean). I don't want to be self-indulgent, but I don't want to bury stuff either and pretend I'm not feeling what I am, so that for me was a really healthy and moving experience.
This morning I woke up (completely unintentionally) at about 5.30. Which meant that by the time it came to get up I was just about ready to doze back off to sleep for a couple more hours. That always happens on the one day when I can get a very slight lie-in. Anyway, whilst I was wide awake at *&!@ o'clock I kind of came to a decision of sorts about what to do next year re work/study/life. Just reread that sentence, a vague "kind of" and "of sorts" doesn't really seem to go with the word "decision", which does rather imply decisiveness, but anyway it's the best I can do for now! What I've kind of, maybe, sort of decided is to delay the PhD application for one year, for a number of reasons, which are (in no particular order):
* If I do it starting next year then I will only have had 3 years post-qualification experience as a health visitor. Which is OK, and better than any other job I've ever had, but even still another year will look better on the CV.
* I have to reregister as both a nurse and a HV in September next year. We have to reregister every 3 years and sign to say that we have worked a certain number of hours and done a certain amount of study to keep updated (hence why I'm doing the extra hospice work at the moment). Whilst I can easily sign next year for the years 2002-2005, if I start a full-time PhD in September 2005 then when it comes to 2008 I will have to have done lots of extra work on top of the PhD in order to be able to reregister. It's not such a problem for nursing as I can do that at weekends, but for health visiting it's much more of a problem as I would have to do any HV work on a Monday to Friday - which is when I would be studying. If I start the PhD in 2006 then I will have another year to work as a full-time HV, which will more than fulfill the requirements for reregistering in 2008, and means that if I finish the PhD in 2010 rather than 2009 then I will only have another year to work in order to reregister in 2011. You still with me? Don't worry if you're lost, but it makes loads of sense to me. And the reregistering thing and how to do health visiting on top of the PhD was causing me a *lot* of mental stress - it's (just about) do-able if I could get regular occasional work (regular occasional? - I'm doing it again!) but as occasional work can't be guaranteed it would be a source of considerable stress for 3 years. If I work 2005-2006 as a HV it becomes a source of stress for 0 years.
* I'm still planning on moving out of London next year, but this way another source of stress could be removed. If I was doing the PhD from next year, I would have to coincide selling my house here and handing in my notice at work with moving UpNorth and starting the PhD. I would only have my PhD funding income to use in a mortgage application, which although it is plenty enough to live on means that I would get a smaller mortgage and probably only be able to afford a 1 bedroom flat. Plus I wouldn't know for sure that I had that income at all until August 2005, which is cutting things way too fine. If I wait till 2006 to start studying, then I can sell my house whenever, move in with a friend temporarily while I stay in London, apply for a HV job UpNorth, hand in my notice down here when I know I have a job to go to, stay with a friend UpNorth when I first move and start house/flat-hunting with a secure income, get a decent mortgage and not have nearly so much pressure to buy and sell within a limited time frame.
I think this all sounds a bit mercenary and materialistic, but it's not meant to. It's just that the thought of starting next year, whilst really attractive from a finally getting started on really exciting research point of view, was really really stressing me out from the practicalities of work and house-buying/selling point of view, to the extent that every time I started to think about it I was (metaphorically speaking) putting my head in the sand, going "la la la la la I can't hear you" and trying to change the subject.
There are a couple of reasons why it may not be such a great idea to put things off another year. One, that I'm not getting any younger and even if I start next year I'll be 40 when I finish it (40???? How the hell did that happen? I'm never going to be 40!), so do I really want to leave it even longer? Which of course then raises issues of relationships and stuff, but I know I can't make decisions on the basis of something which may not happen. And two, something that's too personal to blog about, but which is such a huge unknown that I would be mad to base any decision to go for it or delay it just on that, so I will just have to acknowledge that it is an issue but try not to let it unduly influence me.
The other thing I was thinking about, which made me more enthusiastic again about the thought of actually doing the research (whenever I end up doing it), was that I found myself saying to God this morning that what I ultimately want to do is something that I'm really passionate about. I can be passionate about health visiting (though I doubt I'll feel that tomorrow morning!), so if I stay in that career it's not necessarily a disaster. Certainly, working as a health visitor and having a great relationship would suit me just fine, I could live really passionately with that! What I don't want though (never have) is to have one of those 9-5 existences where all that matters is that the money comes in each month and nothing too awful happens. Of course those things matter as well, but there must be more to life than that - I certainly want more than that for my life, and that's basically what I meant a couple of entries ago when I talked about not wanting an "easy" or "comfortable" life. At the moment the thought of the PhD next year is too stressful for me to be passionate about it. But with the stresses of worrying about registration and housing removed, I could really quite easily throw myself back into it with renewed energy and passion.
With this decision sort of made, I feel a lot stronger and more motivated now about moving on with the other issues (housing, work, location). Which is good.
Back to church, and God seeming to speak to me so directly. Our closing hymn was "All my hope on God is founded", not one of my favourites in the scheme of things (not least because I find the tune really quite difficult to sing), but the words of the first verse summed up both my hope in God and my utter dependence upon him, despite circumstances, and the knowledge that even though things are dark and fuzzy and not understandable, there is purpose in it all and life isn't happening to me in a vacuum, I'm part of a much wider picture. Yet another "I'm talking to *you*" moments:
All my hope on God is founded,
he doth still my trust review;
me through change and chance he guideth,
only good and only true;
God unknown,
he alone,
calls my heart to be his own.