Categories: uncategorized
Date: 29 November 2004 16:55:16
It's been a long time coming - but this morning I woke up, realised it was Monday morning and I had to get up for work, and I got That Sinking Feeling, when I so so so didn't want to go to work, and would have done anything not to have to, and felt really down at knowing that I didn't have any choice. Actually it's the first time I've ever really felt like that in this job, which after 18 months is pretty good for me - in my last job I got That Sinking Feeling from about Day 2, but that's another story!
So I got to work, to find that my colleague was off sick and there was no HV to cover clinic this afternoon as I had a hospital appointment (which went well BTW, I've been discharged, hooray!). Phoned round all the health visitors I could think of, nobody in, messages left, only one person had the manners to phone back (to say she couldn't do it) - thanks guys (grrrr). In the end we made an executive decision to do the clinic anyway without a health visitor, anyone who desperately wanted to talk with us could leave their number and we can phone them back. But the whole thing did make me wonder if staying in bed and not going in wasn't in fact a much better idea than grinning and bearing it like I did this morning.
I got emails back from UpNorth PCT and the housing association. Selling the house sounds like it will be reasonably straightforward (I can hear recent home buyers/sellers spluttering from here), but UpNorth PCT don't operate a nurse bank which scuppers my plans a little. I was feeling over the weekend like I'd like to sell up and move sooner than next autumn, and spend a few months doing bank nursing/health visiting, but this means that I can only move beforehand if I apply for a permanent job, which I don't want (and can't do if I get on the course). Financially it makes loads of sense for me to stay here working till next summer before moving, but I'm getting That Sinking Feeling just thinking about that. The other thing is that it means that I won't be able to do odd days health visiting at all during the course, as there's no work available, so if I start next year I have no choice but to let my health visiting qualification lapse, and then do a return to practice course if I want to take it up again. Which isn't the end of the world, but is a bit of a pain.
My head is telling me that starting the PhD next year is career suicide - I'll lose the health visiting, and won't be able to take it up immediately I finish the PhD, which I'd want to do until the consultancy I really want to do gets established. Starting the year after makes so much more sense. BUT - big but - the thought of starting the research at the moment is pretty much the only thing keeping me going and getting out of bed each morning (actually, that's not entirely true, something else would keep me going and getting out of bed, but as that's not happening I can't base my motivation on that). I can't keep putting my life on hold for sensible reasons, I've done that too many times before. Gah. I know I've never prayed for an easy life - but I could do with an easier one at the moment, to be honest.
Anyway - to end this on a less moany note - once I'd finished at the hospital it wasn't worth going back to work, so prior to going to Russian class (another source of stress I'll maybe blog about later!) I've just popped into one of my favourite places, the Cafe in the Crypt at the church of St Martin in the Fields, and had a HUGE slab of chocolate fudge cake. Sugar rushes are very good things sometimes :D