O God change me! [but not yet]

Date: 17 January 2006 01:28:28

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

St Augustine

Troparion:
O Father Anthony, you imitated the zealous Elijah.
You followed the straight paths of the Baptist and became a desert dweller.
By prayer you confirmed the universe.
Wherefore, intercede with Christ our God to save our souls.

Kontakion:
Forsaking the uproars of life O venerable one,
you completed your life in quiet, fully imitating the Baptist.
Therefore, we honor you with him, O Anthony, Father of Fathers.

Today is the Feast Day of St Anthony the Great, often called the Father of Monasticism. And a Happy Feast Day to my dear friend Anthony over in the San José area.

Since discovering the lives of the Desert Fathers and Mothers, they have had a profound impact on my life. Their recorded life stories and recorded sayings often come to mind at various times, and their struggles in the Christian life help me to know that it is possible to live a life for Christ and to conquer the passions.

Yet, I wonder how much I do want to change. After reading a variety of heartfelt sharing on struggles in the Christian life from Arti, Jack and Unordered, I thought it's time to deal with mine. A great thing about the blogging community, and the Wibsite community in particular, is that it is a community: you do get to know people through their blogs. And they read about your life; you read about theirs; you laugh with them; you cry with them; you scream with them. Thanks be to God: a blessing indeed.

There are many things I struggle with in my life, but one of the biggest is reflected in the thoughts of St Augustine. I wonder how much I do want to change. How much effort do I make to change the passions within me? Honestly: not a lot.

I often feel I mouth the words of prayers, give me more patience, help me be more loving, as I know this is what is required of me. But is that enough? The desire is there, which is no small step I admit, but there needs to be, I believe, the action to go along with the desire. Praying for patience is fine and good, but when it comes to the crunch do I even try and be patient: or do I delight in flying into a rage or giving a smug answer that supposedly shows I know how to do things better, but in reality merely shows I'm an impatient moron?

Patience is a big struggle of mine. I've known it since I was 12. And I know I should be striving for it: it is one of the fruits of the Spirit. And, I'd say, it's necessary to the other fruits: love can be shown by patience; peace, by patience; self-control: needs patience. It's my stumbling block.

May God help me to not only desire change but to strive for it, with every bit of energy He has granted me.