Categories: weather, spiritual-journey
Date: 24 May 2006 08:21:38
Kristo Amefufukka!
[last entry: Li Crist a raviké! -- Walloon, spoken by some in Belgium; response: Il a raviké podbon!]
As other Aussie Wibloggers have mentioned, we've had a bit of a cold snap in New South Wales. (And I believe it's travelled up to affect our usually sun-drenched Queensland cousins).
Pleasant enough one day; bitterly cold the next. Things are probably not helped by the fact the place I'm renting has thin walls, wooden floorboards and 12+-foot ceilings. It's a mad dash from bed to shower in the morning: let me tell you! But I do love it: and I do like the cold weather. Though I'd prefer a gentle cooling rather than a snap I almost put the bike away, but today, thanks to some cloud cover, the morning weather was bike rideable. Though, looking out the window, this evening looks a bit windy and chilly from the relative warmth of the office.
As well as the weather, my Christian journey seems to have shifted into an autumnal mood. I suppose, much like the seasons, we do in our life's spiritual journey have our times of plenty and abundance, and also our times of need and scarcity. Now seems like a time of aridity. St Teresa of Avila's words seem to be my cry at the moment: "O God, I do not love you. I do not want to love you. Help me to want to want to love you!"
Any joy seems to be gone: apart from that of Communion, thanks be to God: when I receive it truly is a moment out of time: a moment of great joy and peace. But, unfortunately, it quickly passes. The services, my daily prayer rule, my reading: it all seems so joyless; so without meaning in my life; so useless. I've started wondering if it's all worth it; if I even reflect Christ in my life. I can't see how I do. And, worst of all, I don't seem to feel any contrition when confessing sins: it just seems as if I read off a rote list. Perhaps overanalysing in some aspects, as I tend to do: but no doubt some analysis is needed.
Though I think there also needs to be constancy in these times: a faithful following of prayer and reading. I started a thread on the Ship, and such advice, among much other good advice, came through from posters.
And as one poster said, dear Nunc Dimittis (please remember her and all other ordinands in your prayers), I do still have a determination to follow our Lord: I pray that counts for something. I do deeply desire a full relationship with God: and I pray this longing may turn the current winter into spring.