Date: 27 April 2012 09:58:09
I had 2 interviews this week and 1 interview with an agency, thanks be to God. I should not get my hopes up, but I do hope the interview I had this morning leads, if not to the job, to a second interview. The role is interesting, and a new position; I felt I 'clicked' with the manager and HR representative; it is reasonably close to home; and it seems an interesting and friendly company. God's will be done... And may He grant me patience. I bumped into a friend at a Subway restaurant where I had lunch after the interview, near to where he worked. I spoke to him on the phone yesterday and it was great to bump into him and see him in-person today.
I had a mixed time at the monastery... It was wonderfully spiritually, and the monks are truly wise and a great comfort, as well as very friendly, but my anxiety flared up which meant I snuck away, although I did manage some conversations with some fellow guests. The anxiety seemed to carry me along this week. A conversation with a friend threw me also as it brought up some issues, and I wanted to run away somewhere, change my phone number, delete my e-mail addresses, and never see anyone I know again.
It is such an odd, and even horrid, experience when I can chat and laugh and 'be myself' with people I have just met, yet the intimacy of friendship scares me to the point I want to flee, not pick up the phone, not respond to e-mails... Or even be afraid to call a friend and tell them I will near them for lunch and would they like to catch up; God in His kindness caused me and my friend to choose the same Subway for lunch today...perhaps a lesson there. And after all this fear and running away and not communicating I feel guilty about being a bad friend, think I am not good enough to have friends, and it feeds the part of me that says I'm unlovable and unworthy of love. A sad cycle. But one I am used to and feels comfortable, as horrid as that sounds -- and one I pray may be broken one of these days.
A negative post sorry...and not a plea for comments to encourage me: but better out of me than in me I think.
I will write more about the monastery soon, God willing; much to say and much to share.