Categories: thanks-be-to-god, work, hymns, grace-of-god, great-lent
Date: 02 April 2012 12:33:55
I will not use my unwellness as an excuse; I simply say I behaved rather pathetically Sunday. How quick I forgot the lessons and encouragement to pursue righteouness only a few days earlier from the Canon of St Andrew of Crete...
I seem to be losing things of late...perhaps an effect of the big 3-5. My passport (not that I am going anywhere, but it would be useful in jobs and at Centrelink (government welfare agency; and thanks be to God my first payment is going through tonight...) when proving my identity, my detachable power-point adapter for my phone...and on Sunday, while trying to get things organised for this week, I could not find my university transcripts and my birth certificate which I had taken to the agency interview on Friday. I knew I had taken the folder out of the interview, but could not remember if I brought it back.
I got angry. And frustrated. Living in a wealthy country and with a good life, I, in what passes for the small amount of pain and frustration I experience compared to those fighting for survival each day, railed against God saying, "Why is this happening to me? What have I done wrong? [where to start if I were thinking clearly...] Is this a sign? Tell me!" In a moment the words were out and I felt like a fool...but they had been said. I have been getting very frustrated of late for no good reason...I confess patience is something I need more of but of late I seem to have an even shorter fuse.
I mumbled an apology, as my mind was still rather frustrated sadly, and thinking I may have left it on a ticket machine in the car park after the interview, when juggling credit card, tickets, wallet and documentation, I headed out, feeling more miserable over my actions -- and hoping for relief from the gastric and diarrhoea. There was a ute there, owned by the car park company, but I could see no one there. I did a few circuits, drove to another car park owned by the same company in case someone was there (they were not), and then had one last go back at the car park. Jackpot! The maintenance man was there. I asked him and he looked in the room - my folder was not there. I left my number, and in less than 2 minutes after driving out, the phone rang -- he found it. I went back, apologising for my foolishness and forgetfulness, and thanking God for His Love and Grace -- and remembering my foolish railing against Him and the world not 2 hours early.
And then I remembered the Great Canon of St Andrew of Crete. Better late than never? I do not know; thankful God did not strike me down as per many examples in the Old Testament for their presumptuous and lack of faith: yes. A lesson learned, I pray, and a good lesson to pay closer attention to myself, and my thoughts, actions and words, as the journey towards Pascha goes on. Here are some extracts from the Great Canon; both to give you a flavour of it, as well as to help me remember its teachings. I am aware, out of context, and perhaps to those not used to the Lenten services of the Orthodox Church, it may seem overly 'negative' or as if it were making us think we were wretches with no hope. But it is not: we are in the need of repentance, every day, but especially in Great Lent; and through the recollection (or the learning if you are like me and have an appalling Bible, particularly Old Testament outside of a few books, knowledge) of the righteous and unrighteous throughout history we learn of the way we should struggle to become more and more conformed to the likeness of Christ.
Adam was rightly exiled from Eden for not keeping Your one commandment, O Saviour. But what shall I suffer who am always rejecting Your living words?Let Moses' hand assure us, my soul, how God can whiten and cleanse a leprous life. So do not despair of yourself, even though you are leprous.
Christ became man and called to repentance robbers and harlots. Repent, my soul! The door of the Kingdom is already open, and the transformed Pharisees, publicans and adulterers are seizing it ahead of you.
When Your servant Moses struck the rock with his staff, he mystically typified Your life-giving side, O Saviour, from which we all draw the water of life.
Have you heard, my soul, of the Ninevites, who repented before God in sackcloth and ashes? You have not imitated them, but appear to be more crooked than all who have sinned before and after the law.
Christ braced the paralytic and he carried his bed; He raised up the dead young man, the son of the widow, and the Centurion's servant; and by revealing Himself to the Samaritan woman, He traced in advance for you, my soul, how to worship in spirit.
Elijah once burned a hundred of Jezebel's flunkeys when he had destroyed her shameful prophets as a proof and rebuke for Ahab. But avoid imitating these two, my soul, and master yourself.
The priest saw me first and passed by on the other side. Then the Levite took a look at my sufferings and disdained my nakedness. But stand by me, O Jesus Who did dawn out of Mary, and have compassion on me.
You, my soul, have rivalled Rehoboam who would not listen to his father's advisors, and that vicious slave Jeroboam the apostate of old. But shun such mimicry and cry to God: I have sinned, have compassion on me.
You have heard, my soul, how Abraham of old left the land of his fathers and became a nomad. Imitate his resolution.
You did lay down Your body and blood for all, O crucified Word: Your body in order to renew me, Your blood in order to wash me, and You did surrender Your spirit, O Christ, in order to bring me to the Father.
You would have contrived to build a tower, my soul, and erect a stronghold for your lusts, had not the Creator confounded your plans and brought your schemes crashing to earth.
Though You are a deep well, O Lord, pour on me streams from Your immaculate wounds, that like the Samaritan woman I may drink and thirst no more; for from You gush rivers of life.
Do not require of me fruits worthy of repentance, for my strength is spent in me. Grant me ever a contrite heart and spiritual poverty, that I may offer these gifts to You as an acceptable sacrifice, O only Saviour.
Thanks be to God for this reminder of our calling.
I will be away up north for the next few days for my interviews on Wednesday. I humbly ask for your prayers for not only a safe trip and wisdom in the interviews, but for patience, love and humility, and a putting to death within myself the disordered passions that seem to be plaguing me of late. Lord, have mercy; Kyrie, eleison; يا ربّ ارحم.