Date: 17 March 2011 11:43:26
Indulge me...please.
I realised today, after a very rough morning in which I said to my manager I could not go on, that I rather like my job [yes, I'm skipping a lot but the connexion was made]. 99% of it to be truthful, which is pretty good. But can you guess what I've been focusing on?
Yep. The 1%. Letting it stress me. Letting it colour my view. Letting it overtake and overwhelm me. And much of this isn't the 1%: but what I think the 1% will be in a few months' time when roles and reporting lines change. I love to live in the future...or the past; seems easier than living in the present. Well, not easier, but I think sometimes I'm rather addicted to worrying: that if I don't have something to worry about it I create it. And, perhaps more sadly, in a sense I'm not allowed to be happy. Or shouldn't be. Which is rather sad. More teary sad than pathetic sad, but probably not by much.
I know this isn't the end. I've had too many 'revelations' I've put too much stock in, thinking I know myself completely and life will be joy, happiness and peace from now on. It is a step up though, for which I am thankful. And receiving 2 emails tonight from colleagues thanking and encouraging me for something I did certainly made this day which started off bad come to a wonderful conclusion. Attending Great Compline tonight, my first Great Lent service, was a blessed experience also: I need to make more of an effort to attend the Sunday services [anxiety kept me away...] as well as the weekday ones we are blessed to have.
I am broken. My thinking patterns are broken. My reactions are broken. Not to be overly negative: this is realistic. The story of the Fall makes it clear we live in a broken world. We all have our own struggles, our crosses to bear if you like: mine are overwhelmingly mental -- and I need to acknowledge that. Not to let it take hold of me, though at times it will, but to admit it...to acknowledge it...to know my true limitations...and to act accordingly. To know that I need to talk -- or write -- when I am low: because that helps me. "A problem shared is a problem halved" -- trite? perhaps. But there is a kernel of truth in it, as with all clichés.
And as we are in the season of pilgrimage to Pascha [Easter], Great Lent, it is a good time to realise and confess brokenness, confess hurt, confess pain and struggles: knowing that -- unless God wills it, and generally we need to work out or salvation through pain and struggle: there are few who get an easy ride in all aspects -- despite my weakness, God is strong; despite my doubts, God is faithful; despite my pain, God sustains and heals. And God, in Jesus Christ, knows what it is like to be on this earth and experience pain, suffering, hurt, betrayal...and more. Our God is a God who indeed understands all we go through. And that is the hope I have: and the hope I carry to Pascha.