Categories: anxiety, stress, work, self-esteem
Date: 09 July 2010 22:31:28
Well, after the disaster [in my mind] of Thursday, Friday had to be better: and it was.
Again, as I commented in the comments in that post, thank you all. I am sure I am sounding like I am on loop as I write it often, but please know the intensity and feelings of thankfulness if anything get stronger each time. Thank you.
Friday morning started off with me asking my manager [whose final day it was; he is retiring] if I had to leave earlier than mid-September, what was open to me from their side. I received a generous response from him and the operations manager [who will take his role come Monday until the position is advertised] after their talk with the GM. I also had a good talk with them and much of what they said about my work, my person and my unrealistic expectations, which were the cause of much of Thursday's angst, while not settling in my mind, are at least present there, swirling around, with me occasionally letting it rest - just to ponder, "What if they are right?"
I also had a brief discussion with the colleague I have feelings for where they said similar about me and the level and quantity of my work: again, swirling in my mind [I unfortunately also got involved in self-deprecating which only makes people say nice things which feeds the cycle; I need to learn to stop that -- I caught it once or twice at least]. I think my feelings came into it a lot too -- my thoughts I've let them down personally; which was not the case as they told me. And realising I am not perfect, as my perfectionist inner voice demands, is a bit of a blow too. ;) I felt a bit more content at the end of the day, and felt I could get through the next 10 weeks. But I am taking it one day at a time.
We had a drinks night after work to toast the retirement of the manager [there were a number of lunches and a farewell at the local hotel last Friday which I attended]. He will be missed: and for me particularly as I have known him since 2000, and have worked with him in the same company since 2003 [part-time then full-time in late 2005]. I do truly wish him well for retirement and all he will be doing in it. As well as being a great manager, he was a great friend: and he and the operations manager in particular have been a great support to me during my various mental health ups and downs. As have a great numbe in the company -- in that respect, the care and concern of all, it is one of the best places I have ever worked. And I will leave with many more friends, and I mean friends and not acquaintances, though I will have those too; and I pray, unlike other times, I will feel I am worthy of friendship and thus make an effort on my side to keep communication flowing as well.
As mentioned, I have, to my mind, made some progress as I am letting the positive comments about my work, and even me, stay in my mind: occasionally settling and giving me a warm feeling of contentment and a job well done [hope that doesn't sound indulgent: acceptance of such feelings are new to me], at other times swirling as I question them -- but not being dismissed instantly which to me is a step up. While the events of last year were not pleasant as events to have to go through, I am aware that their was a purpose to them -- and furthermore this purpose was God's Purpose for me. It has become obvious that the me I see is rather different from the me others see; and it is clear that I needed to go through this mentally and emotionally painful process, and painful review of events in my life, to move on, and move to a new path. A path which I know will not be joy, peace and endless light continually, for life is not like that: but a path where I can see a bit more clearly who I am, what I have to offer, and what I am capable of doing, and perhaps even 'called' to do.
I leave that frightening 'called' word for a post soon.