Categories: self-esteem
Date: 18 June 2010 09:59:36
I realised I'm posting rather furiously of late; a symptom of a low mood swing as I commented on truthsign's post. I suppose being aware of it is a step up.
I am wondering what it says about me that though having a 'Frequent Visitor' card [get a free coffee after buying 8] in my hand, visibly I thought [but perhaps not], as I was not asked for it when I paid for my coffee at my local independent café I didn't hand it over. Why? I did not want the barista to feel I was pushing it.
Pretty sad, huh? Moments like this I wonder if I have any hope of any movement on the self-esteem front. This example is repeated in any number of incidents in my day-to-day life; keep quiet, be invisible, shut up. Though, perhaps, as I for the first time admitted my reasoning, there is some awareness. May be a good time to re-visit the Self Esteem chapter in the, helpful to me, book Change Your Thinking: Overcome Stress, Anxiety, and Depression, and Improve Your Life with CBT.
Though I see the word overcome and scoff. Perhaps that's the problem. Not enough faith. In myself. In God. Heaven knows I doubt He can change me. Pretty sad for a Christian I know. I pray, believing He will help others; but thinking I've been tossed on the scrap heap. Worthless. Junk. So much so I can't even hand over a blasted frequent visitor card without wondering, "What *will* she think of me pushing it?"
But then, amid the lows of this morning, there were highs this week and even later today.
I received a positive review of my 500-word [really not a lot of words once you get going; WordPress helpfully tells me I'm at 298 .. 299 ...] feature from the assessor of my online writing course: some room for improvement of course but reading, "Overall, though, I felt you did a great job on this assignment and have some strong foundations as a writer." was encouraging. As were comments such as "This is a great lead paragraph.", "Really well done." and "Great to see you thinking about transitions here." I allowed myself a small inner glow.
Seeing, feeling, Eden and Skye rush up to me and hug me when I stood at their door.
Encouragement to pursue some dreams from various, expected and unexpected, sources.
Entertaining phone conversations with booksellers and course advisors; some proof I'm not completely unable to function socially.
A cry to God for relief and release that seems to have been heard. Though I know a tough path lies ahead.
Perhaps God does see some value in me after all. As do those around me. Perhaps hope isn't as extinguished as I thought.