Categories: anxiety, stress, work, self-esteem, relationships
Date: 20 April 2010 10:27:42
Thank you all for the comments, prayers and wishes; greatly appreciated.
The meeting went well; in fact it went very well. Thanks be to God. I am very blessed, blessed beyond measure, by the understanding, caring and sympathetic people I work with, and particularly the managers. They listened to my concerns; they asked questions; they suggested solutions. They told me how far they thought I'd come and how far they believe I would come, in whatever time it took. In a series of embarrassing [to me] statements, they told me my work was at a high standard; they told me I was well-respected by them and by staff; they told me they have absolute confidence in my ability. And they told me where they thought I could look to making improvements or making plans to cope, which I asked for and appreciated. Particularly as I know I do not cope well with interruptions when I am focused on a task, and often respond abruptly, then feel guilty and berate myself afterwards...hopefully I can put some plans into action with this.
As I said. I am blessed, very blessed. And I do not see it most of the time because I am so concerned that I am not living up to my [unrealistic] expectations or I have the desire to be seen as normal and all I see is concern and "special treatment" [which they extend to all, and which I do not criticise for others...again, cannot extend the same consideration to myself]. But talking it through with them, and talking it through with my psychologist this afternoon, I am seeing how greatly God has blessed me and cared for me.
They will come back to me soon with comments on my suggestions, noting their feasibility or otherwise, as well as their own suggestions, such as the one given which involved a form of part-time work and the one given which involved me passing on knowledge to others: the latter of which will actually lead to some job fulfilment as I enjoy training others, and have been told I am good at it. So blessings in many other ways too.
The psychologist appointment went well. As she commented at the end, I seemed a bit nervous today [she said my usual free-flow of words was a bit stilted]; I think it was due to me struggling with the issues I identified previously. But it was a very, very helpful session. Good advice given, some very kind comments about my progress, intelligence, self-awareness and coping strategies [again, embarrassing to me], as well as some answers on questions I had about my dealing with stress and interruptions, and on my idolisation of certain staff members: with some of the answers of course being "There is no fully right or wrong answer here." -- which may frustrate my inner perfectionist but it needs to be shaken up now and again. I was also encouraged in the exploration of my self-awareness of the 'core beliefs' and 'core feelings', which help me to understand where my thoughts, feelings and actions spring from. A lot covered, and we went half-an-hour over time, but I am blessed in finding her [to which thanks be to the friend who recommended her] as the sessions flow easily, we communicate clearly and we can talk at a level I feel comfortable at. And I know, though I shock her at times [such as me saying what I actually wrote in the overly-apologetic e-mail], and can see the shock on her face, despite this, or perhaps because of it, I know that there is no hiding of emotions or feelings from either one of us; and thus we can communicate openly and honestly without fear of judgement, for there are times she will share with me too based on her experiences of issues I am going through. And I greatly value this.
So, again, thank you all for the comments, prayers and wishes; they are very greatly valued and gratefully received [and thanks also for the prayers for my sister and her family too]. And thanks be to God for all the blessings He has showered on me in the people I know, live, work and interact with from day to day.