Categories: anxiety, stress, work, self-esteem, relationships
Date: 19 April 2010 11:02:07
I plan to have a discussion with my manager, and perhaps the assistant manager, tomorrow.
While the issue of me and my role has been discussed in an ad-hoc manner, I feel I need to express a few things formally.
One of which is I am simply not coping. I hate to admit that, for it seems like such a weakness; and yet if anyone told me the same I'd be sympathetic. Odd, sad even, how I cannot extend the same consideration to myself. What I could do last year I am finding it hard to do this year. My managers and colleagues tell me I am doing well, as well as last year even; I cannot see it. I am an emotional wreck at work and home; the intensity varies, but it is there. And I am sure it is self-imposed reaching for perfection; regardless, I think something has to change and I need to state my inability to cope formally so my managers are aware of it. I just hope and pray it does not turn into a big fuss with HR and all involved. It's why I've tried to keep quiet for so long; sit in a dark corner and I won't be noticed. That, three-and-a-half months later, is not working.
Another issue has been discussed in conversation also: my changing role and my concern that I am not sure whether I want to follow it -- in fact I am not sure where I want to go or want I want to do. Add to this my concerns if I can even stay. My thinking tonight is I may formally raise the possibility of me swapping roles and training another person up to my role. That way, firstly, I keep some level of income coming. Secondly, I can take a less demanding role and give the opportunity to be more involved to someone who would, as I see it, enjoy and be challenged by it, keeping his interest levels up. Finally, if I find I still need to leave I hopefully will not feel as guilty as I will leave with my knowledge passed on [as much as is able, for I am well aware of the "knowledge loss" that can occur despite the best training and documentation]. Not sure how it would all work out, as I am, to my eternal embarrassment, seen as "an expert", and I'd fear people coming to me instead of the person in my current position. And I'm not sure the person I have in mind would even want it. But I am not sure of any other option currently as resigning, though in my mind, is probably not a best first step. I brought this "job-swap" up with my parents who seemed to think it was a good first step.
I also need to work on a few things myself. I intend to bring them up with my psychologist tomorrow. First and foremost is my emotional and relationship immaturity; I either spill all, as I did last year, leaving me now feeling vulnerable; or, as I did today, clam up or give the cold shoulder [which I then endlessly feel guilty about] as I do not want to enter into any discussion -- which of course only gets people more concerned. I also need to work out how to cope with my feelings of inferiority, among others, towards a colleague I've placed on a 100-foot pedestal. Sadly I am at a point where each e-mail I send or conversation I have contains me saying how inadequate I am and how helpful and intelligent he is. I really need to get someone to read my e-mails before I send them; the conversation I can work on [divert phone to voicemail as necessary -- perhaps not coping as much as avoiding, but I need to start somewhere]; the e-mails need to stop as I see it -- for his sake [what on earth is he thinking when he reads them?] as much as mine.
Prayers appreciated and valued, as you can. As is advice; especially if any of the above seems foolish or if you have some suggestions on how to approach the subjects and issues I am dealing with. I still need to get to the overtime advice and thank you all in detail; I do greatly value the support, encouragement and the honesty I get here.
And thank you for listening too.