Categories: anxiety, orthodox-life, family, friends, self-esteem, television, reading, food
Date: 16 April 2010 07:09:12
Tonight it is off to a friend from church's house for a BBQ. Nothing better than a Lebanese BBQ.
Tomorrow morning I will take Skye to Putt Putt and then lunch, which I fear may be her favourite, the Golden Arches [I'll grab something from McCafe], but it is her day out -- I promised to do whatever she would like. My colleague's daughter is being baptised tomorrow [at 7:30am if I heard correctly!; at least that is when the service starts], and there will be a lunch [I'm guessing typically spicy Eritrean food] and celebration afterwards, so I will try and drop by in the afternoon; I bought a Bunnykin's Christening Set which I hope is useful. And then that night it is Thai in the city with a dear friend.
Sunday morning church, and Sunday afternoon a Betrothal Service [the Orthodox church has two services from the Sacrament of Marriage: the Betrothal and the Crowning; they may be combined together but most of the services I have been to so far have separated them by a few weeks or so] for a friend I have known for a while, but got to know better of late, and her husband-to-be. The wedding service will take place in the USA [where he is from], so it is a joy to be able to attend the Betrothal Service. I think I will need to re-charge my batteries in solitude Sunday night; with the new series of Doctor Who screening that night here [eager people can watch it over the web from midnight tonight; if I were not so busy I'd probably watch it tomorrow -- may still do if I wake up early as I tend to do] I think it will be the perfect mental and emotional restorative.
I, if I can indulge in some self-congratulating, was proud of myself for saying "Yes" to the BBQ tonight [I was asked today]. I did not hear my phone ring and it was not until I sat down at a café for my Friday escape-and-read lunch [mushroom risotto with garlic wholemeal bread and an iced mocha with a shot of hazlenut -- the addition of the hazlenut shot was recommended once; and it is a great combination I always return to; on reading I concluded the recommended, very enjoyable and educational, Christ the Conqueror of Hell: The Descent into Hades from an Orthodox Perspective by Archbishop Hilarion Alfeyev] that I saw the call and message. I was about to SMS back I was busy to get out of it, but thought, "No. I would like to go and as there'll be quite a few people there [my friend and his family, our priest and his family, our choir, my friend is our choir director, and my friend's music teacher] I could enjoy sitting back and listening, as well as enjoying great company and great food.
I was proud of myself as this week has been a bit of a struggle, and today I was, although asked several times, afraid, and I do mean afraid, of heading out to lunch with some colleagues. I gave my usual excuse ["I cannot make it."] Sadly the unhelpful thoughts in my head ["You're stupid"; "People only ask because they feel sorry for you"; etc.] have been rather prevalent of late; and even today when talking to a colleague I much admire, as he was talking all I could hear at times was my own head saying, "You're rather pathetic", "You're not good enough to talk to this person", etc. I then try and dispute these thoughts in my head, which I am aware is not the best way to deal with them, but it is rather hard to stop someone mid-sentence and say, "Excuse me...I just need to grab some paper and do some Cognitive Behaviour Therapy work as I'm struggling a bit."
So I plough on, fighting the thoughts in my head while trying to carry on a conversation. Which cannot happen. So then I felt guilty because I wasn't giving him 100% attention [I try, though fail, to always stop whatever I am doing and focus entirely on someone when they are speaking to me to show my respect], so the cycle started again and continued.
I'm not looking for sympathy; I hope it doesn't come across like that. I just need to acknowledge the struggles. And perhaps allow myself to not only see them as they are, but also, at times, to give myself a break and not try and fight the thoughts in my head but acknowledge them, let them pass, and, as I can, be in the present.
Anyway: that is today. Tomorrow is a new day. And in fact now is a new moment so what happened is past. And I can make a decision to strive ahead and focus on the here and now. And when I fail, as I will, it is a good lesson that I need the grace and strength of God, to whom be thanks and praise for all He gives us, to help me though; I cannot do it alone.